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TELL ME YOUR STORIES (again) – currently writing for the new album…
February 8, 2012 - Comments (69)Ever heard the saying, “Man plans, God laughs”? Well, that is ringing true in my life these days. I had my whole year planned, and that’s when everything changed! I was going into the studio to record a few tunes to release an EP this spring and wasn’t going to release my next full record until 2013. But while we were in the studio something special began to happen. These few songs were inspired by stories that were sent to me back when I was making The Story of Your Life. I was reminded of just how powerful the stories are that everyone sent and God began to put it on my heart that maybe it wasn’t quite time to move on to something different yet…
In the months since The Story of Your Life was released, a phenomenal thing began happening. We stopped collecting stories all the way back in 2010 when I finished making the record, but the stories haven’t stopped coming in. Most nights after concerts I walk back to the bus with a stack of handwritten stories that people deliver to me after the show. Many of the people say things like, “I know you’re done collecting stories, but I want you to read mine.” At my website, we continue to receive about a hundred stories a week. Well, I’m no Albert Einstein, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that maybe, just maybe, there are more stories that need to be told.
So, I’ve decided to officially begin collecting stories again. For one month, there will be a link at my website where you can submit your story. You can write about anything. Your faith, your fears, the best day of your life, or the worst. You can write about your family, your enemies, your secrets, whatever. Even if you are reading this and thinking, ‘my story isn’t worth telling,’ write about THAT! The only rule is, be HONEST. Be honest with yourself. Use this as a chance to stop for a moment and do a little assessment of your life and the story you are telling with it. Too often we get so caught up in the doing, that we never really stop long enough to ask ourselves why we are doing what we do or if our stories are heading where we want them to.
If you wonder how this whole thing works and you haven’t heard my record “The Story of Your Life,” I encourage you to get that record, listen to the songs, and read the stories that inspired them. You can also watch videos at my website that go further into the stories that inspired all the songs. The goal here is to encourage all of us to bring our stories out into the light in the hopes that God could use our story to help someone else. What good is your story if it remains untold? So, here’s a chance for you to tell yours.
One more thing, when you submit your story I want to give you a free download of my song, “The Story of Your Life.” Listen to the words of this song even as you write, and hear the question it poses. “Is This the end or only the beginning?” I hope this song and the experience of writing your story down can serve as a challenge to remember that every day is a chance to change your story, to allow God to lead you into the greater story you were meant to tell. This is the story of YOUR life, and it’s a story worth telling!
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spirkee
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- @StephenBcomedy nice!
- In studio today, song calls for some falsetto parts. Think I might just speak in falsetto the rest of the day. #nationalfalsettoday join me!
- Just enough time in Chicago airport for one of these... Strangely patriotic right @JimGaffigan ??? http://t.co/VZ37dhT4
- Dad's brother Jim gave his life in Vietnam. I won't forget visiting the memorial, etching his name on paper & standing in silence. Thankful
- More..
Sat 11/2/12, 12:56 am
Your song gives me a chance to take a huge breath…Sounds so dramatic huh? I am a mother of 3 boys, married a Godly man and set off to raise my family and gorify the Lord…That was 22 years ago and everything was amazing: my husband and I taught bible study, he is very gifted in teaching, the class used to chan t”The Big Cheese” when he would come to the front, because he was such a joker. The boys were well liked, I was doing the job I wanted and loved it. Then drugs came into our lives and just like a windmill chime when one is struck, they all are moved, and our lives began to unravel. We tried everything, in vain, to prevent, encourage, and correct but NOTHING worked. Our oldest son was addicted to herion and he did it front of our middle son.and his friends and eventually got 2 of the 16 years old addicted too. Never in a million zilloin years would I picture our family here, but here we are. No, definetly no, comfort can be found…no running away…no one to turn to because you dont want people to think poorly of your babies. What did I do wrong, why would they make such bad, life altering decisions. GOD WHERE ARE YOU? Why is my family here?? There is NO JOY TO BE FOUND in our home. One that used to burst at the seams with laughter and love!!!! People used to say,”when love is in the house the house is packed, so much so they left the back door cracked”, about our home, but no longer. Your song gave me strength to make it thru the day. I would listen on the way to work and say, Yes God. this is what I mean..I feel..And I would cry!!!! And if you knew me, you would be surprised because I don’t cry!!! I am usually a very light heart person, I have always been that way, but I have now seen the other side of life. And how it feels to have the rug pulled out from under you. I now am more understanding, give grace to grumpy people, forgive the little stufff, which is all good. I have 20 employees and about 1/2 of them are christians and they both need a boss with a Godly sense of direction. Thank you for allowing God to inspire the words to your song, they have given me strength in such a horrible and dark time of my life. This is the first time I have ever written anything about my family heartache. My son, now 21, is at teen challenge for his addiction problem and my middle son is still going thru the trauma of watching his brother and 2 friends do herion. My youngest son loves the Lord but is angry that his brothers for allowing these drugs to unravel our family. It took 16 years of hard work, prayer and dedication, and fun too, to create our solid family, and I can stand before the Lord and account for most of it, I LOVED IT. But it only took a few years of drugs to destroy it, how very very heart breaking, huh? God Bless you, your songs really are a ministry to those in need. “To much that is given, much is required”. Thanks for allowing God to comfort me, when there was no comfort to be found !
Mon 13/2/12, 10:02 am
This is in response to Regina’s post. I understand what your family is going through. I am not the Mom, I am the the younger sibling. Although, I am 47 years old now, it started when we were teenagers. I have seen what it has done to my parents and I know what your middle son is going through. I lost my brother 5 years ago. He left behind 2 young sons. They are blessed to have a wonderful Mother who has taken great care of them. I tried to get my brother to go to Teen challenge. He refused, because he said that a year was too long. I just want you to know that as long as your son is here, there is always hope. He is at a great place. Although it won’t always be easy when he gets out, he is going in the right direction. God is with you and on your side. He will get you through what ever you have to face. Your son will have an awesome testimony. He will be able to reach people that would never listen to us because we have not been where he has been. Even though they drag us with them, we can only help families, not another addict. Let your other children know that their feelings are valid. I have had them all. Anger, sadness, helplessness, even a feeling of being robbed because I never got to have the big brother that I wanted. God has gotten me through so
much. He been by my side all the way. Even when you wonder where He is at times, He is there working. I too am thankful for Matthew West and his songs. You know when God brings scriptures to your mind when you need them? I also get Matthew West songs. There is not one thing that I have gone through that there is not a Matthew West song that goes along with it. I encourage you to get all of his CD’s. There are some wonderful songs on all of them. Stay in the Word, and surround yourself with supportive people that will blanket your family in prayer. Don’t be embarrassed, telling your story is freeing. Regina, you and your family will be in my prayers. Don’t give up! God Bless.
Wed 15/2/12, 7:49 pm
This was a piece of writing I did for facebook. I lost my husband July 2011. i have 4 kids.
so the valentine’s day I’d like to write about…
was the one of a couples dinner@ the shilo. And it was the one after we were just married.
we wore our wedding clothes. it was the only other time we wore those clothes besides our wedding day and his funeral day…
anyways it was our only Valentine’s day we actually went out. Usually we’d cook dinner that night together, or get a heart shaped pizza n played NFS.
but this was a couples dinner with a message and i member we sat with the Pedersen’s and the Coes It was beautiful and fancy.
I cannot remember his name but that pastor spoke on 1 Corinthians chapter 13. The same chapter we focused on in our marriage counsels…So it was fresh in our minds, and we focused on showing that love to one another, and everyone else in our lives we come in contact with. And really some of those things! Were pretty hard to live out.. i mean ,,,Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Get my point? Ok tough.
But what I loved the most about him.. Was his heart ALWAYS reflected that kind of love…But we grew together to a place our behavior was reflecting it. And it felt amazing. Crazy things began to happen when we focused on God and not each other! That night ended beautiful. Well just leave it at that
but there’s one part of that chapter I seemed to have always overlooked. and maybe never really made sense to me till now. It was …
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.
I still don’t really understand it. but in my heart i feel like completeness had to have came. because it seems like what was in part disappeared..I guess God must have completed his work in Julio.
Not a day goes by where i don’t think about him, talk about him or miss him… But it’s like how can I focus on my loss.. when it was really his gain?
Love your Loves EVERYONE>and if you lose them, Give thanks for the time you DID get with them… I know I sure am
Mon 20/2/12, 5:14 pm
Matthew – As always, you use God’s Holy Spirit to guide you, and I’m so happy you decided to go this route! You’ve tapped into something very special and I’m sure all of us who care about you will be so pleased with what you deliver for all of us to enjoy and use as a way to grow in our faith! You’ve been such an inspiration to my faith and my life has become richer by you and your family, and the wonderful experiences I’ve had as a result of attending all of your concerts!
Tue 21/2/12, 6:48 am
What amazes me is God’s unconditional love for me. I was raised in church and grew up with the “head” knowledge about God. I just didn’t live it. When I look back at all the terrible choices I made throughout life, some way worse than others, I can’t believe God could possibly still love me. But He does. He always will. And that just blows my mind. He has spared me so many times from the jaws of death and I wonder “why”?
He loves me unconditionally, and He has great plans for me. He has released me from the terrible burden of guilt I felt when, shortly after my amazing husband passed away unexpectedly, I left my children, my family, my whole life, for a man who said he loved me. I left them and went to live with this man in a crack neighborhood. Being very naive, gullible, vulnerable, trusting and lonely I was completely out of my element. That neighborhood was as far removed from what I was used to as possible. I didn’t really know places like that existed outside of the TV show “COPS”. But there it was. A whole ‘nother world just 20 miles down the road from my world. It was a place full of hate, pain, anger, sadness, despair, hopelessness, drug addicts, gang members and prostitutes. The locals called it the Devil’s Den, and for good reason. The Devil is alive, well, and actively at work in that neighborhood. I was terrified, but I learned while there that God is also alive, well, and working in the Devil’s Den. I prayed so hard during that time for God to save me, and He did. In ways I never could have imagined. In many dark, dangerous situations I could physically feel the arms of God wrapped around me, protecting me. It was as real as feeling the arms of my loving husband had been. It felt safe. My guardian angels were on high alert, and only by the grace of God did I walk away from many situations I shouldn’t have survived. When I first got to that neighborhood all I saw was dangerous people – addicts, prostitutes, gangsters. After God calmed my terror I began to see these people through His eyes, and I saw people who were scared, hurting, sad, lonely, desperate and hopeless. I saw people who wanted something different, something more, but didn’t know how to get it because this was all they’d ever known. I did a lot of ministering during my time there, and shared the love of God with many people. I hope I was able to help someone. He didn’t save me by magically taking me out of that situation. He saved me by blessing me with the courage and strength to leave that situation and to come back home where I belong, to my children and family who also loved me unconditionally. Once I got home it took a while to regain the trust of my children and family, but I did. I rebuilt the life that I almost gave up. And I realized the value of everything God has blessed me with, and how very precious it is. I wake each morning and say “Thank you, God, for the blessing of this day. Thank you for sparing me another day to share with those I truly love. Take me and use me as You will.” We all make mistakes in life. I chose the wrong morals, the wrong crowd, the wrong behavior, and the wrong man. But the one good choice I made overshadows all the bad ones: I chose God and eternity. After 50 years my “head” knowledge has finally become “heart” knowledge. Our preacher is right when he says you can’t describe the feeling. When you truly open your heart to God it’s a supernatural thing that defies explanation. My life is back on track and things are looking up…only by the grace of a loving, amazing, merciful and forgiving God. Thank you, God.
Wed 22/2/12, 7:36 pm
I’m sorry everyone. I accidentally put my story in the comment section and I apologize. “The Story of Your Life” is an awesome song that speaks directly to my heart. It’s so fitting for the choices and mistakes I made. I’m trying really hard to do something positive with the rest of my life. I lived with regret and guilt the first few years after coming back home, until I reconnected with God on a “heart” level. It was then that I understood that He had forgiven me and I needed to forgive myself. That was a lot harder. When I finally did, God helped me let go of the guilt and regret and move forward. The past is the past. It’s done and as much as I’d like to, I can’t undo it. What I can do is leave my fear behind and decide how the rest of my life will read. I can define what kind of legacy I will ultimately leave my kids and grandkids. I pray I can leave them a legacy they can be proud of, and want to emulate. Thank you, Matthew, for an amazing song that puts my life into words with music.
Wed 22/2/12, 9:45 pm
Matthew, Thanks for taking new stories. The next album will probably be just as good as the last (I haven’t been able to get it yet since I’m unemployed, but have enjoyed the songs I’ve heard on the radio). I had a good cry as I submitted mine while listening to a Jeremy Camp song on repeat. God has used you and Jeremy a lot the last 3 years to grow my faith & trust in Him.
Tue 28/2/12, 5:35 am
I think it is a wonderful idea to write about others stories. People have so MUCH to say about how GOD works in their lives. So which is also why there shouldn’t be a cap on the number of charachters allowed to express their joy and triumph.(You have to read all these stories I’m sure) Those few last words may be the words someone else needed to see, to give them the strength from reading another’s encouragement. We so love your beautiful and inspiring music of GOD’s Love and healing. We are thankful to have a fisherman of souls like yourself. We Love you!
Fri 2/3/12, 8:10 am
To Regina,
I’m sorry to hear your predicament. I’ll pray for you. IF they haven’t gotten it yet… some “tough love” from their father and extra involvement/guidance in their life (even if they don’t want it) from him might be the thing they need. Growing up in a family where my dad was present, but not personally (for a large part)… I see how that lack of fatherly love and wisely applied “tough love” and firm-handed-guidance…coupled with other factors lends to our family’s over-all lack being quite compulsive/whim-dicatated. If I’m wrong, sorry about the suggestion. I’m just trying to help…and it sound like this could be part of the problem/solution.
-James
Fri 2/3/12, 2:56 pm
I am having trouble submitting my story. any addvice?
Sun 4/3/12, 3:32 pm
I am also having trouble submitting my story mabe email?
Mon 5/3/12, 9:23 am
I am 25 years old. I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world, Amanda. She is very amazing and wonderful. (Words can’t describe enough)
My wife and I have been through alot. Somedays I can’t believe we are still standing. It’s by the grace of God. I tell you, It’s been a long hard road, but we are still standing and we have the victory in the name of Jesus. Life may have it’s ups and downs, but we will always trust in the LORD. For me and my household will serve the LORD.
Trials and tribulations will come in this live. Believe me they will make us stronger. The Lord will never give us more than we can bear. (Ref. 1 Corinthians 10:13) Know this, there is a purpose for everything, and everything happens for a reason. Just remember: “All things work out for the good.” (Romans 8:28)
In 2008 my wife and I had a miscarriage. This broke our hearts into pieces. The doctors told us we would never be able to conceive. This tore our marriage apart. We would blame each other and we blamed God. (We should never blame God. It is not His fault.) We were never the same, and it seemed like our marriage was falling apart.
**Please understand, This was before I came to Christ, and I was in sin. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) I was drinking my life away. I was on the road to destruction. I had seen man people with the love of Christ inside them, and what He had dome for them. I would say, “Why can’t I have that?” and “You don’t love me.” I was WRONG! (Glory to God) The day came and I gave my life to Christ. I have never been the same. The Bible says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the OLD has gone, the NEW has come.” (2 Corinthians 5:17)**
Christ is now the center of our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we are perfect and that we don’t have our problems. However, we are not looking back. You can be sure of one thing; Me and my household will serve the Lord all the days of our life’s. (Joshua 24:15)
Even though this tragedy happened, I believed miracles could still happen. For I serve a living God! A God of miracles!
Then in December 2010, we were surprised by another pregnancy. This was the happiest moment of our lives. This would be the joy of our lives. What a wonderful blessing from the Lord. (“Children are a blessing from the Lord.” Psalm 127:3) This pregnancy went by normal without no complication. We knew we would have a little angel to bring home soon. Everyone was anxious to have this little baby join our family.
Suddenly, at 23 weeks and 5 days gestation my wife went into labor. After arriving at the E.R. the doctors, nurses and staff tried to stop the labor. They told us the baby did not stand a chance. She only had a 10% chance of survival if any at all. We were also told if the baby was born not breathing the staff would not resuscitate. This was due to the baby being premature and the longs not being developed. After several hours of being in the hospital, our precious daughter decided to come into this world. Rebecca was born on May 2, 2011 at 10:15pm weighing only 1 pound and 3 ounces. She was a miracle of God. (Rebecca means “fighter.” Praise God, she lived up to her name.)
Since Rebecca was a micro-preemie she was not able to stay inside the room with us. She was placed in a incubator and taken into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. (NICU) We spent week after week in the hospital with Rebecca. Missing work and many other things. (I tell you, we would have not made it if it was not for the grace of God and the many prayers from family and friends.)
It was like a rollar-coaster. She had many ups and downs. She had infections and went through many surgeries. The doctor and staff would tell us everyday, “This is impossible. She can not still be alive.” The Word of God says, “NOTHING is impossible with God.” (Matthew 19:26) and NOTHING is too hard for God.” (Jeremiah 32:17 We knew Rebecca was alive because it was God’s will and she had a purpose to fulfill which she was created for. I knew she was God’s master plan and was in God’s hands. (You are always safest when you are in the center of His will and plan.)
Amanda and I were overwhelmed by troubles. We turn to the only place we knew, God. We were constantly our knees before Almighty God. When life gets too hard, there is only one thing you can do. KNEEL! That’s what we did. God is good when He confirms His word. One night as I was praying I clearly heard an voice tell me, “Be still and know that I am God. She will do mighty things in Me. Many people will be saved. Your family will be saved through this.” (Praise God!) I truly thought this meant we would be bringing our baby girl home.
However, we spent many more weeks in the hospital. Rebecca was diagnosed her with leaking capillaries. This is were when tiny blood vessels in your body leak fluid and the fluid builds up in surrounding tissues, leading to swelling. Her blood pressure and sugar levels were a big concern as well. On top of that Rebcca’s lungs shutdown, and she was also not able to use bodily functions, and she began to swell even more. There wasn’t anything else the doctors could do. The doctors stooped all treatment. That same night, all the staff members told us to be ready because Rebecaa would not make it overnight without treatment. Everything inside me told me, “Do NOT give up.” I did not believe what the staff said. I believe in a Higher Authority, our Father in heaven. I told my wife, “The doctors can stop all treatment, but God can keep her alive.”
We continued to be with Rebecca in the hospital for the next few days. To the doctors amazement, Rebcca was doing well. Her blood pressure and sugar levels were the best they had ever been. The swelling even went down as well. She looked better and better. We continue to stay strong in faith to God. We felt like this battble was almost over and we would be home before we knew it.
Then Rebecca took a turn for the worst. On June 11, 2011, we received a call from the hospital at about 3:00a.m. telling us we need to be at the hospital. We spend the last hours of baby girl’s life with here in our arms with many tears flowing. We know she had fulfilled her purpose and would be with Jesus in Paradise. “I tell you the truth, today you will be with be me in paradise.” (Luke 23:43)
Rebecca passed away that morning at about 7:40a.m. She will truly be missed. She is in our hearts and memories, today and forever.
After the death of our precious child, I began to ask God, “Why me?” and “Why couldn’t she have lived?” I felt like my whole world turn upside down. I picked up my Bible and prayed and asked God, “What do you want me to do?” When I opened my Bible, I look down and there is a Scripture standing out. (Literally the only one I can see.) “If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.” I felt the presence of God surround me and I knew the Lord was speaking to me. (This Scripture still touches my heart, and still speaks to me.)
That morning at church I knelt at the altar and prayed. I cried out to the Lord. I felt this presence come upon me, and clearly understood Rebecca’s purpose had been served. She helped many come to the Father in prayer. (The prayers do not stop here.) [People have been praying who have not prayed for a long time. There is people praying who have never prayed before. There were people praying all over the country who we did not know or never met. Glory to God in the Highest.] I believe she even brought many to Christ and even brought people to repent.
Form that little incubator in NICU she was used by the mighty hand of God. I tell you, He will use people you would never think of to complete His purpose and to bring honor and glory to His name. If God can use this little child, He can use YOU!! For God has a plan and a purpose for us all. The Bible tell us, “I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) GOD CAN AND GOD WILL USE YOU!! Do not let anyone tell you it’s impossible!
Even though we go through the valley, we will stand upon the Mountain of God. Even though we go through the storm, God is still God. Even through we go through the midst of the see, we will go on dry ground. We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and by the Word of our testimony. (Revelation 12:11)
No matter what you are going through, we must go forward. We must push. Don’t give a single inch of God’s Kingdom over to satan. The devil has NO dominion over me and my family. We have the POWER in the name of Jesus. When have the VICTORY in the name of Jesus. We have the AUTHORITY in the name of Jesus.
God promises you deliverance! “Do not be afraid. Stand still and see the Salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today. The Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again NO MORE forever. The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:13,14)
I firmly believe that if God brought you to it, He’ll bring you through it.
You’re God’s: signed by God with the blood of Christ, sealed by the Holy Spirit for all eternity, and delivered from the domain of darkness and transferred to the kingdom of Christ. Amen!
You can count on the LORD to reach down and pull you up as you call out to Him as He so answers prayers. He is GREAT like that. He will keep you as the apple of His eye and hide you in the shadow of His wings as He is a mighty fortress in whom you can take refuge. We have been made by the spirit of God and the breathe of the Almighty has given us life. Nobody loves you like He does. His mercy, grace and forgiveness goes unmatched throughout the Universe. All of my days I will praise Him for giving me victory over my enemies. He is my LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. He is faithful and I know that he lives and is the same yesterday, today and forever.
Looking back, I thank God for the time we had with our daughter. I might not understand it all, but I know she is in better hands. We have two children waiting for her in heaven. Like the song,I know she is saving a place for me. This all was part of God’s plan and my faith and trust in God has grown stronger than ever before. In fact, more than I could imagine. I beleive this is were our ministry begins. As we are attending Bible Collage to become preachers or what God calls us to do to preach the Gospel. For the Gospel is not dead. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!
Remember: “Keep God First in Your Life and You Can Do Anything.”
Mon 5/3/12, 10:46 am
Hey I was just wondering where we should send our life stories to after we write them? I was at ur March 3rd concert in Toledo and didn’t get a chance to go get it.Thank you very much and your concert was great.
Mon 5/3/12, 9:00 pm
well where should we begin this story is about our daughter Alyssa and her struggles with everyday life from being diagnosed with Autism to our family losing everything and resorting to live in a homeless shelter until we can get back on our feet. Alyssa was two years old and we were going to bush gardens for a day of fun so we thought, at the time it was my wife sherine myself Alyssa and her older brother Andrew. We arrived at the park and went looking at all the animals then we decided since it wassohot that wewould go to the childrens waterpark and let the childrencool off ! This is where we really noticed something was going on with alyssa,she was unattentive and watching a leaf float threw one of the streams. She was totally focused on the leaf and wouldn’t let it out of her sight! Sherine was calling her name to get her attention but alyssa wouldn’t even look our way! We went on about our day just thinking she was just mezmerized buy everything that was going on. When we all got home and put andrew and alyssa down for bed sherine and I had a long conversation about what we had both saw at the theme park that day . The next day we started talking to family and friends and asking if they noticed anything different about alyssa? Much to our surprize all of themhad similar things to say but were unsureon how to bring it up without hurting our feelings or making us upset! Well onething led to another and we desided to start contacting doctors and enquire what couldbe wrong with our little princess. We set up appointments with All Childrens hospital in St. Petersburg , Fl where we met Dr. Mary Paven and she put us on the road to therapy and what is called early intervention. hangon this is where the ride goes full speed,after many different evaluations and doctor visits we came tothe conclusion that it was Autism. Needless to say we have a long and hard road ahead of us but threw faith and determanation we will perservere.I almost forgot to mention as all of this is going on I am working for Lowes in the tampabay area and am hardly ever home. Everyday for the first three years of our daughters life I couldn’t hold her hug her or even get close to her without her screaming or crying I was a stranger to my own daughter. I also was going threw a denial phase and threw myself deep into my work! Finally something had to give I decidedon my way home from work that I was going to try to help with the situation and become fully involved in her life! That day I came home from work after working a 12 hour shift I played with her on our floor for 4 hours! I did this everyday for 6 months to a year until I felt we built a bond and man did it work to this day I now can say that she is daddy’s lil girl! Alyssa had no speech from age two all the way to age five! we had to learn what different tones of cry went with what she wanted or needed! Also during this time we were finacally strapped and not knowing how we would maintain our home. between therapy and the other typical bills wewere drowning. We decided that we would risk everthing and maintain alyssa’s therapy. That being said we lost everything except the most important thing our family! I can say as we stand here today at this homeless emergency shelter that I wouldn’t change a thing God just has a bigger plan for our family! Had this never happened I wouldn’t have went back to school to obtain a degree in pharmacy which I am currently workingon right now! I know there is so much more to add to this story but I don’t know if I have the strength or courage to tell every detail. Down our path we have met some great people and therapist too! From All Childrens Hospital to lamperts home therapy also I have learned through all of this to trust in the lord for he will and can solve anything you give to him you just have to trust and believe! Also I have reconnected with my wife and truly understand now what she went threw on any given day! Update on Alyssa’s condition she currently attends a public school and is in what they call an asd class , she is doing better meaning she can speak and ask for things on her own. She also can finally play with other children her age with similar conditions. Her progress is slow but it is progress all we want for her is for her to be happy and become what ever she dreams to be! Her memory is as sharp as a tack and she can memorize books, movies, songs amongst other things. Everyday is a struggle for her and to see her smile everyday gives our family a sense of hope. Someday soon we may be able to look back at this and say wow remember when Alyssa was diagnosed with Autism look at her now the world is hers to capture and insp[ire hope to people who are running on empty! Almost forgot another important milestone that was her finally being potty trained ! Now she tells us she is a big girl and can go potty all by herself! Wealso have read and keep on file many different books reguarding Autism . The Autism Source Book and of course Jenny mcCarthy’s Louder Then Words both great books to help parents and people understand Autism and how to cope with the diagnosis! Icould go on forever just let us know if you would like more insight to help inspire a song for our lil princess named Alyssa!
Mon 5/3/12, 9:02 pm
I am having trouble submitting our story any help or ideas?
Tue 6/3/12, 11:27 am
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to share my story. When you are living such a difficult situation it is hard to open up and talk about it. I don’t want to burden people so most of the time i keep my thoughts, heartaches, feelings and struggles to myself. I do feel very much alone and as my sons life( he has Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy) is gettting more and more difficult I feel those people around me pulling away not knowing what to do or say. It is a crazy world one in which i would have never envisioned my life to be. This is NOT the life that i dreamed of for my son, or for our family. I Do know that God has a plan and a purpose but sometimes you just don’t care.
Tue 6/3/12, 2:19 pm
I think what your are doing is GREAT! There are so many inspiring stories, it must be exciting to hear them all. I recently started a FB page with a similar objective…for people to share their story, to ask for prayer or to provide praise for someone they love. I can only hope that one day, it receives 100 stories a week too!
Tue 6/3/12, 7:11 pm
Scars
Looking at me now, you may not know who or what I was before, you may not know where I have been. I was lost in a world of darkness where I had no hope and I did not have God. I used to walk with my head down in shame all alone. I did not have a purpose and I did not have a meaning. I didn’t know who I was or why I was here on this miserable Earth. I had a loving family but I turned them all away now I was living and dying with the choices I had made. I was born and raised in Somerset, Ky. My father worked constantly and wasn’t at home much. Materialisticly I had any and everything a person could want. My dad wanted to make sure we never went without like he did growing up. My mother took us to church and I was there everytime the doors were open. It was my second home. I remember the day I asked Jesus to come into my life like it was yesterday. Our pastor was preaching and saying all you have to do is let him in. He is knocking at your hearts door. Will you let him? Will you? I went to the altar as fast as I could and asked Jesus to come into my life and be my savior. No one told me afterwards the things that I needed to know about what I had did. I didn’t know how to live a life as a Christian after I accepted Jesus. My family never prayed together or read the Bible. At the age of twelve, there were some difficulties at my church and it split. My family stopped going to church and my life was never the same. I was so hurt and rejected by church family. My brother was 3 and half years older than me and he started drinking. My parents thought that if he was going to drink then he should drink at home. My parents told me that it was my job to supervise my brothers’ parties. I had to make sure that no one left drunk, broke anything, or got hurt. I became an experimental guinea pig for my brother and the other 30-40 guys who would come every night. Once my brother cut me with a switch blade because I wouldn’t funnel Jim Beam whiskey. I learned to drink very often and to like it after that. I was awoken one night being jerked from my sleep to the most frightening ordeal that anyone should ever have to experience. I laid there with my mouth covered in fear. I was a victim of rape. Every night after that I was afraid to go to sleep. I looked forward to the alcohol that would help me cope with the things I had endured. I got a dead bolt to try and stop the person who was coming into my room and it did for a while until they found the window to climb in because it had no lock. I found something better than alcohol which was drugs. I used every day and was eating acid like it was candy when I was sixteen. I would go across the cow field and buy it from my next door neighbor. I was sexually active and became pregnant and was in denial for months and I hid it for 5 months. I was so scared to tell my parents afraid and confused because of all the drugs I was on. I finally told my parents and they agreed that I should have an abortion. I have never felt more pain in my life than I did then. It all seemed like a dream that was not happening. I realized I had just committed murder and killed my unborn child. The next day I was scheduled to take my act test for college. I graduated high school at the age of seventeen. My high school days consisted of drinking until I couldn’t get drunk anymore, getting high until I couldn’t get high anymore. I went to college for a year and half but that quickly ended because of the drugs. My father and I got into an altercation and he blacked my eye. Him and my brother hog tied me and drug me down wooden steps through the grass and the gravels and then on the black top and threw me in the back of my mothers, blazer. They didn’t know what to do with me so they were going to take me to the psychiatric floor of our hospital. I ran away and was gone for a couple of months from home. After returning home, I got on crack cocaine and it took me to new levels. I met a guy and he seemed like the nicest guy I had ever met. We both said we would quit drugs and decided we had to change. We were married on Dec31, 1999. He was an alcoholic and I did not know it until after we were married and 5 days later he got arrested for dui. My husband then threw my birth control pills away because he wanted to get me pregnant. I went and bought more and he threw them away again. 2 weeks after I was married, I got pregnant and found out on Valentine’s Day. I was so excited and happy to be a mother. He said” Now I’ve got you forever-your mine.” I stopped using drugs and was so happy except for the fact that he had not stopped. He would try every way in the world to get me to get high but I stood my ground and we had our first child. I was so happy to be a mother and to have this precious joy in my life. My husband was a very jealous, possessive, and controlling person. He wanted me to stay at home and take care of our children. He said he was old-fashioned but he was just afraid that someone would take me away from him. He had no self-esteem and what little I had he robbed me of it. I felt like I couldn’t do anything without him and he was the one that got me out of the situation I was in at my home. it. We had 2 more children together and I was going to be the mother that I never had. My husband kept bringing drugs home— meth. He would hound me and hound me until I would give in and do it. I had shared with him the things that had happened to me as a teenager and up. He was drunk one night and made fun of me. It brought back flashbacks of the incident and I had remembered things that I had never before. I was unable to go to the grocery store without him. I would have panic attacks where I felt like I was choking and dying. I went to a psychiatrist who put me on clonazepam, which was nerve pills and diagnosed me with post- traumatic stress syndrome. My husbands’ drinking was out of control and so was his abuse. He would choke me in from of the kids and threaten to kill me. They would cry and say no –no don’t hurt my mommy. I was determined to make my marriage work but his demands were unreasonable because I was not allowed to wear make-up, or have any friends, or see my mother more than once a week if I did they would be trouble. He had blacked my eye and had broken my nose one night when he was drunk. I decide to finally leave him because he was not going to change. During this time, my momma was sick and diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. She was in extreme pain and couldn’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t stand to see her like that. I had all of these problems going on at home and then I was responsible for taking care of her and my dad and their house. I couldn’t handle it all. When I did tell my husband it was over he kept my children from me. It took it three months for it to get into court. Thanksgiving went by and I didn’t see them. I was back on prescription nerve medication and the doctor had put me on pain medicine because I had an injured neck. I went to court but because of the prescriptions I just got visitation. During a visit, I was getting ready to leave and he told me that if I couldn’t be with him that I couldn’t be with anybody. He beat me up and I got into my van and he pulled a shotgun out and shot out all of the tires while I was sitting in it. He then pointed the gun at me and I ducked. He shot out all of the windows. I managed to escape and I ran through the woods where someone took me to the house I was renting. My husband then took a backhoe and chopped my van up in hundreds of pieces and buried it. After this occurred, I was in shock for weeks and I didn’t have any way to see my children. I hitchhiked one time 20 miles. Prescription after prescription I fell into a darker pit. I lost everything I held dear. I sold my home and used the money I received for more pain pills. I sold and traded all of my furniture for the pills. I found out what my drug dealer needed and would trade him to get what I needed. I also traded cans of food when it got bad. I had to have a pain pill or a nerve pill. My body would ache and hurt so bad if I didn’t feed it. I would detox almost every two three weeks. I would have benders the first of the month and then the last two I would suffer with pains aching down my legs that I would just soon cut them off as to feel it. I was on prescription pain medicine from doctor for almost a year and half. I would always know the perfect things to say to him and I remember one time asking him to increase my dosage because my neck was killing me. He said well your mri’s are bad and it’s not like you’rean addict. I was taking the highest dose of hydrocodone that a doctor would prescribe while purchasing Percocet on the street. I laughed and told my buddies what they doctor had said. I guess because I was an addict but had never really thought about it because I thought an addict meant you were always in trouble. My family had stopped speaking to me and had disowned me. So when she died they didn’t call me, I found out my mom died on the internet the next day after she was buried and in the ground. I never had a chance to say good-bye. I was what is known as a cutter. I was always suicidal in my teenager years but now as an adult I found comfort in the sharp blade. The blood that would come would make me feel real. I was hurting from the past of the scars that wouldn’t heal. I felt unworthy not good enough to be loved and I was wondering if there was a God up above. I hated my life and was tired of living. I wanted to go home to heaven that I had always heard about. A place where there was no more pain and sorrow. I was so exhausted from the life I had been living and just kept sinking deeper and deeper. I looked in the mirror and didn’t know who I had become and where all the time had went. My breaking point was when my drug dealer had tried to kill me. He had put rat poison in my dope because I had found out some things I should not have. I had blood pouring from my nose and my ears. I cried out to God to save me and the God that I had turned my back on for twenty years. The God that I thought didn’t care. He heard me—he heard me. My dad after two years of not speaking to me decided to bring me home and get me some help. God had softened his heart too. I went into a Recovery program but what I found was DISCOVERY. God led me to a Christian woman who has now filled the gap for my momma. She taught me how to walk with God and how to live a life without drugs. I found the healing that I needed from my past. I know who God is and I know that I have been forgiven. I have a relationship with the God of this entire universe. He talks to me and I talk to him. I forgave the person that had raped me, and we now have a friendship because of God’s grace! God took my pain, my shame, my guilt. All I had to do was lay it at the feet of Jesus! I am no longer the person I was because I am a new creation! I am not a drug addict. I am a child of God! I have been set free. How do I know because he tell me so in his word..that if the son sets u free u r free indeed John 8:36. I know my momma is looking down from heaven and is smiling on me and my friends had a home going celebration for my mom where I wrote her a poem and put it on a balloon and let it go. I said goodbye. No more bondages being held down in chains. I have a purpose and I have a meaning now. I received my calling to become a Christian counselor to help others who have had the same problems as me. I am going to school at Liberty University and I made the dean’s list last semester. I am now helping my spiritual mother with a new ministry called Amazing Grace Healing Ministries where women can recover successfully in Christ’s strength. I live every day of my life to bring glory to God because of his great love for me I am able. God is slowly rebuilding the relationship that drugs and the abuse took from me with my children. God can take the broken and discarded and transform ashes into beauty. I have had a relationship with God eighteen months free from the drugs and alcohol! I still have the scars that show where I have been but so does my Savior!!
Tue 6/3/12, 7:12 pm
Scars
Looking at me now, you may not know who or what I was before, you may not know where I have been. I was lost in a world of darkness where I had no hope and I did not have God. I used
to walk with my head down in shame all alone. I did not have a purpose and I did not have a meaning. I didn’t know who I was or why I was here on this miserable Earth. I had a loving
family but I turned them all away now I was living and dying with the choices I had made. I was born and raised in Somerset, Ky. My father worked constantly and wasn’t at home much.
Materialisticly I had any and everything a person could want. My dad wanted to make sure we never went without like he did growing up. My mother took us to church and I was there
everytime the doors were open. It was my second home. I remember the day I asked Jesus to come into my life like it was yesterday. Our pastor was preaching and saying all you have to do is let him in. He is knocking at your hearts door. Will you let him? Will you? I went to the altar as fast as I could and asked Jesus to come into my life and be my savior. No one told me afterwards the things that I needed to know about what I had did. I didn’t know how to live a life as a Christian after I accepted Jesus. My family never prayed together or read the Bible. At the age of twelve, there were some difficulties at my church and it split. My family stopped going to church and my life was never the same. I was so hurt and rejected by church family. My brother was 3 and half years older than me and he started drinking. My parents thought that if he was going to drink then he should drink at home. My parents told me that it was my job to supervise my brothers’ parties. I had to make sure that no one left drunk, broke anything, or got hurt. I became an experimental guinea pig for my brother and the other 30-40 guys who would come every night. Once my brother cut me with a switch blade because I wouldn’t funnel Jim Beam whiskey. I learned to drink very often and to like it after that. I was awoken one night being jerked from my sleep to the most frightening ordeal that anyone should ever have to experience. I laid there with my mouth
covered in fear. I was a victim of rape. Every night after that I was afraid to go to sleep. I looked forward to the alcohol that would help me cope with the things I had endured. I got a dead bolt to try and stop the person who was coming into my room and it did for a while until they found the window to climb in because it had no lock. I found something better than alcohol which was drugs. I used every day and was eating acid like it was candy when I was sixteen. I would go across the cow field and buy it from my next door neighbor. I was sexually active and became pregnant and was in denial for months and I hid it for 5 months. I was so scared to tell my parents afraid and confused because of all the drugs I was on. I finally told my parents and they agreed that I should have an abortion. I have never felt more pain in my life than I did then. It all seemed like a dream that was not happening. I realized I had just committed murder and killed my unborn child. The next day I was scheduled to take my act test for college. I graduated high school at the age of seventeen. My high school days consisted of drinking until I couldn’t get drunk anymore, getting high until I couldn’t get high anymore. I went to college for a year and half but that quickly ended because of the drugs. My father and I got into an altercation and he blacked my eye. Him and my brother hog tied me and drug me down wooden steps through the grass and the gravels and then on the black top and threw me in the back of my mothers, blazer. They didn’t know what to do with me so they were going to take me to the psychiatric floor of our hospital. I ran away and was gone for a couple of months from home. After returning home, I got on crack cocaine and it took me to new levels. I met a guy and he seemed like the nicest guy I had ever met. We both said we would quit drugs and decided we had to change. We were married on Dec31, 1999. He was an alcoholic and I did not know it until after we were married and 5 days later he got arrested for dui. My husband then threw my birth control pills away because he wanted to get me pregnant. I went and bought more and he threw them away again. 2 weeks after I was married, I got pregnant and found out on Valentine’s Day. I was so excited and happy to be a mother. He said” Now I’ve got you forever-your mine.” I stopped using drugs and was so happy except for the fact that he had not stopped. He would try every way in the world to get me to get high but I stood my ground and we had our first child. I was so happy to be a mother and to have this precious joy in my life. My husband was a very jealous, possessive, and controlling person. He wanted me to stay at home and take care of our children. He said he was old-fashioned but he was just afraid that someone would take me away from him. He had no self-esteem and what little I had he robbed me of it. I felt like I couldn’t do anything without him and he was the one that got me out of the situation I was in at my home. it. We had 2 more children together and I was going to be the mother that I never had. My husband kept bringing drugs home— meth. He would hound me and hound me until I would give in and do it. I had shared with him the things that had happened to me as a teenager and up. He was drunk one night and made fun of me. It brought back flashbacks of the incident and I had remembered things that I had never before. I was unable to go to the grocery store without him. I would have panic attacks where I felt like I was choking and dying. I went to a psychiatrist who put me on clonazepam, which was nerve pills and diagnosed me with post- traumatic stress syndrome. My husbands’ drinking was out of control and so was his abuse. He would choke me in from of the kids and threaten to kill me. They would cry and say no –no don’t hurt my mommy. I was determined to make my marriage work but his demands were unreasonable because I was not allowed to wear make-up, or have any friends, or see my mother more than once a week if I did they would be trouble. He had blacked my eye and had broken my nose one night when he was drunk. I decide to finally leave him because he was not going to change. During this time, my momma was sick and diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. She was in extreme pain and couldn’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t stand to see her like that. I had all of these problems going on at home and then I was responsible for taking care of her and my dad and their house. I couldn’t handle it all. When I did tell my husband it was over he kept my children from me. It took it three months for it to get into court. Thanksgiving went by and I didn’t see them. I was back on prescription nerve medication and the doctor had put me on pain medicine because I had an injured neck. I went to court but because of the prescriptions I just got visitation. During a visit, I was getting ready to leave and he told me that if I couldn’t be with him that I couldn’t be with anybody. He beat me up and I got into my van and he pulled a shotgun out and shot out all of the tires while I was sitting in it. He then pointed the gun at me and I ducked. He shot out all of the windows. I managed to escape and I ran through the woods where someone took me to the house I was renting. My husband then took a backhoe and chopped my van up in hundreds of pieces and buried it. After this occurred, I was in shock for weeks and I didn’t have any way to see my children. I hitchhiked one time 20 miles. Prescription after prescription I fell into a darker pit. I lost everything I held dear. I sold my home and used the money I received for more pain pills. I sold and traded all of my furniture for the pills. I found out what my drug dealer needed and would trade him to get what I needed. I also traded cans of food when it got bad. I had to have a pain pill or a nerve pill. My body would ache and hurt so bad if I didn’t feed it. I would detox almost every two three weeks. I would have benders the first of the month and then the last two I would suffer with pains aching down my legs that I would just soon cut them off as to feel it. I was on prescription pain medicine from doctor for almost a year and half. I would always know the perfect things to say to him and I remember one time asking him to increase my dosage because my neck was killing me. He said well your mri’s are bad and it’s not like you’rean addict. I was taking the highest dose of hydrocodone that a doctor would prescribe while purchasing Percocet on the street. I laughed and told my buddies what they doctor had said. I guess because I was an addict but had never really thought about it because I thought an addict meant you were always in trouble. My family had stopped speaking to me and had disowned me. So when she died they didn’t call me, I found out my mom died on the internet the next day after she was buried and in the ground. I never had a chance to say good-bye. I was what is known as a cutter. I was always suicidal in my teenager years but now as an adult I found comfort in the sharp blade. The blood that would come would make me feel real. I was hurting from the past of the scars that wouldn’t heal. I felt unworthy not good enough to be loved and I was wondering if there was a God up above. I hated my life and was tired of living. I wanted to go home to heaven that I had always heard about. A place where there was no more pain and sorrow. I was so exhausted from the life I had been living and just kept sinking deeper and deeper. I looked in the mirror and didn’t know who I had become and where all the time had went. My breaking point was when my drug dealer had tried to kill me. He had put rat poison in my dope because I had found out some things I should not have. I had blood pouring from my nose and my ears. I cried out to God to save me and the God that I had turned my back on for twenty years. The God that I thought didn’t care. He heard me—he heard me. My dad after two years of not speaking to me decided to bring me home and get me some help. God had softened his heart too. I went into a Recovery program but what I found was DISCOVERY. God led me to a Christian woman who has now filled the gap for my momma. She taught me how to walk with God and how to live a life without drugs. I found the healing that I needed from my past. I know who God is and I know that I have been forgiven. I have a relationship with the God of this entire universe. He talks to me and I talk to him. I forgave the person that had raped me, and we now have a friendship because of God’s grace! God took my pain, my shame, my guilt. All I had to do was lay it at the feet of Jesus! I am no longer the person I was because I am a new creation! I am not a drug addict. I am a child of God! I have been set free. How do I know because he tell me so in his word..that if the son sets u free u r free indeed John 8:36. I know my momma is looking down from heaven and is smiling on me and my friends had a home going celebration for my mom where I wrote her a poem and put it on a balloon and let it go. I said goodbye. No more bondages being held down in chains. I have a purpose and I have a meaning now. I received my calling to become a Christian counselor to help others who have had the same problems as me. I am going to school at Liberty University and I made the dean’s list last semester. I am now helping my spiritual mother with a new ministry called Amazing Grace Healing Ministries where women can recover successfully in Christ’s strength. I live every day of my life to bring glory to God because of his great love for me I am able. God is slowly rebuilding the relationship that drugs and the abuse took from me with my children. God can take the broken and discarded and transform ashes into beauty. I have had a relationship with God eighteen months free from the drugs and alcohol! I still have the scars that show where I have been but so does my Savior!
Tue 6/3/12, 8:22 pm
It won’t let me submit my story!
Tue 6/3/12, 8:28 pm
My 1st 9 years were wrought with abuse and neglect of all kinds, physical, emotional, and sexual. The state tried to help but I felt like a yo-yo repeatedly being bounced between my parents and foster homes until God entered and I was adopted at 12yrs old. At first I was a victim of the abuse then I went on a church retreat. On that retreat Jesus showed me a vision of Him with His hand on my shoulder as we walked through the moments of the worst abuse He showed me that I was not alone because He was there protecting and loving me. That is when I became a survivor. I came down from the retreat and entered back into my sinful life. I was still mad and had not forgiven my father. Years later, when I had hit bottom, and was living in my adoptive grandparent’s garage, I began to forgive my father. I still remember the day when I forgave him completely. It felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I forgave a man that I may never meet again. That is when God revealed his victory over the abuse. After that my life got better. Then, 3 years ago, I began to feel dizzy and soon had a hard time walking. I now use a wheelchair yet that does not change the victory that God declared. I may have a hard time walking but I am still a solider for Christ. I am almost done with a degree in Psychology and I am able to use all my experiences, including this disability, to show just how much God can bring you through. Here is the verse that has become my focus: God is our refuge and strength an ever-present help in trouble. (psalm 46) He is always there, and no matter what happens He will carry me through it, and for all the things that the evil one intended for evil I know that God has changed for the good.
Wed 7/3/12, 8:34 am
For some reason, I cannot submit my story using the form, therefore, I will submit it here.
Special Moments
My grandpa had Alzheimers the last several years of his life. My aunt and uncle took care of him while my mother took care of his finances. I would sometimes help by sitting with him when no one else would. This is where my story truly begins. You see, very few in his large family wanted to take the time to sit with him when his primary caregivers had to work and/or go to their own appointments. My mother was unable to sit with him due to her own disability. Therefore I was called in. Although I wasn’t always happy about it, it actually proved to be special. When it was time for me to go, I got up, gave him a hug and told him, “I love you, Grandpa.” He would tell me he loved me too. When it was getting close to time for him to go, we wanted my great aunt to be able to spend some time with him. I volunteered to go pick her up and take her to my grandfather’s house. Many of his family were there to say goodbye. Two things I will never forget from that night. When I was in his room, no matter what else was going on, I felt a peace. When I was anywhere else in the house, I felt chaos. When it was time for my great aunt to leave, they took her out and I gave my grandfather a hug and said, “Goodbye grandpa. I love you.” By this time, he was no longer talking, so I didn’t really expect anything from him, but he seemed unsettled. I said, “I know you would tell me you love me if you could.” and instantly he settled down. I knew in my heart that he had told me that he loved me. That night, he passed away, but I will always cherish that special moment in my heart forever.
Wed 7/3/12, 3:12 pm
Did anyone accidentally deleted my comment? If no response back today then I will post it tomorrow again. Take care.
Wed 7/3/12, 3:39 pm
(Not sure if this is where I submit my story but am doing so here.)
Last Moments With Betty
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sunday morning we had received a voicemail that Larry had to take Betty to the hospital. We eventually found out that she was in so much pain that she asked to go to the hospital. We finally touched base with Larry and he had finally come home after leaving Betty in the care of the hospital staff in her room. So, Chris and I did what we could do and then headed to the hospital to see her. When we got there Pastor Stan and Mindy were there as well as Carlene Dettwyler. They were praying with her. She appeared to be pretty weak. We had brought some stuff she had requested Larry bring, but it was no use. She was in too much pain and too weak to do anything that we brought. We stayed with Betty until she got some pain medication. Once she got that, she was good to go and we went home.
Monday, January 9, 2012
On Monday morning we headed to Chris’ work so that he could let his boss know what was going on and then go on to the hospital. Betty was still in the IMCU section of the hospital. She slept fairly well through the night since the pain medicine was working. We pretty much kept Betty company, let her rest so we kept as quiet as we could in the room. Several visitors came and went, a few prayed with her. Later that afternoon the paleotive care doctor came in to see Betty and talk to Larry, Chris and I. She then called hospice to send someone to come and meet with us. The hospice lady came and we had a nice visit with her. Larry decided to go with the hospice agency she was from, Willamette Valley Hospice. Betty continued to rest as best she could. She loved having her little panda pillow pet near her. I’m so glad we gave that to her for Christmas, it came in handy. Later on that evening she was moved to a different building. We helped get her moved over to her new room. Not too long after that James and his family came to visit her. The overnight nurse pulled us out and filled us in on some stuff with her, and even did something a little surprising in letting us read the notes on the computer from the various staff members who filled out information on her file. It was getting late in the evening and so Chris and I headed home.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Tuesday Chris and I once again stopped at his work on the way to the hospital. His work was so nice to let him off and their monthly staff meeting turned into a prayer meeting for Betty. We got to the hospital and to her room. We went over to tell Betty hello and that we loved her. She told us “I love you” and grabbed both of my hands with her hands. That was pretty cool! Tuesday she was still weak and the doctors didn’t want to send her home to hospice care. She continued to have visitors come and go which turned out to be pretty tiresome for her. Later in the day I noticed she was saying something like “baa”. I interpreted that as her wanting to suck on the mouth swab sponge things. So whenever she said that I have her the swab dipped in water or juice. I decided to stay overnight with her. I found a good classical music station on the tv and played that, I think she enjoyed it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Wednesday was a long day for me since I had barely slept overnight. Chris and Larry eventually came. I asked the doctor if Betty could have pudding or Jello to eat and he said yes, whatever would make her the most comfortable. So when Larry got there he gave her a few bites of chocolate pudding. Wednesday was a big day, too because Betty said to Larry soon as he got there “Come sit next to me”. It was more than that but I don’t remember. It was amazing cause she really wasn’t talking at all, she was so weak she’d just nod her head yes or no. Wednesday I had just got off the phone talking to a pastor at church and she said very loudly “THANK YOU” to me. It’s the last thing I remember her saying to me. I don’t think I will ever forget that. Wednesday afternoon she was released to go home to home hospice and by evening she was settled in at home. Once she got settled in Chris, James and I headed to the hospital so James could get his car and then we could go home. By the time we got home it was pretty late and I was a zombie. Wednesday was the last day that we saw Betty alive.
Thursday, January 12th, 2012
Thursday we didn’t see her but I think she had a pretty good day. She was alert quite a bit. James and family were there, but we did not go out there. I was thinking that in retrospect, had we realized how important it would be to go out there, that we should have, but we didn’t and can’t undo it now, she’s in heaven!
Friday, January 13th, 2012
Friday afternoon I received a call from Larry around 3pm asking for Chris. Chris was just getting off work and so I had to wait for him to come home to have him call Larry back. Well, it was getting later and so Aunt Leona called and told me that Betty had passed just a few minutes ago, around 3:10pm. Larry’s sister (Leona) and mom (Rhonda) had come in from Spokane on Wednesday and stayed 8 days. Soon as Chris got home I filled him in and we headed out to see everyone. We paid our last respects to Betty before the funeral home people came to take her body away. James and his family came down a couple hours later.
I will definitely miss Betty. She taught me a lot about the goats and I doubt I’ll forget all that I learned from her. But that knowledge of the goats is just a very small part of what she expressed just be being an encouragement and a support to me. She was such a sweet person.
RIP dear Betty Propeck 1/5/48-1/13/12.
Wed 7/3/12, 6:22 pm
On November 19, 1997, my whole world was turned upside down. A knock at the door at 11:30 pm delivered news that my husband had been killed in a car accident. I was left to raise my three children ages 6, 8 and 10 on my own. I knew that God would take care of us financially and emotionally. He went above and beyond my expectations. I was able to continue being a stay home mom and my kids and I developed a bond that grew every day. Four years later a neighbor of mine called me on Christmas Day asking me if I would be interested in going on a blind date with a friend of the family. I had only been on one date at that point and had cried prior to and after the date. I had told God that if he had someone for me, he needed to deliver him on my front porch:)I hesitated, but when I heard his name, I somehow knew that this was the man God was sending me. I DID find him on my front porch 3 days later! We got in the car and he looked at me and said, “You have 3 kids?” I replied that I did and he said, “So do I!” We looked at eachother and both laughed! Six kids…but we went on the date anyway:) As the night went on I knew that he was it and he felt the same. I learned that he had been married and had sent his wife to 3 rehab centers. She still continued to drink and use drugs so he had had to make the very difficult decision to take his 3 children and leave. He had full custody of his kids. They desperately neded a mom in their life and my children needed a father. God had truly put us together. We were married a year later, with all six kids-ages 5 through 14-with us full time. It has been quite a journey. We are one family. Our children love eachother and outsiders have no idea what kid belongs to who and which kids are blood related:) I thank God for His wonderful matchmaking ability:) Thank you for reading our story.
Wed 7/3/12, 9:00 pm
Hi, My name is Harley. I’ve not had the ordinary life of most people. It’ll be soon that I will graduate high school this year and I’ve already faced so much in my life. At the age of eight, my parents got a divorce. They had more problems than it’s right for me to say, but it wasn’t good for my family. Ever since, we’ve been broken. But in my bedroom, on my floor, sobbing, at the age of nine, I gave my heart to Jesus and decided to let Him carry me through everything that was happening. My parents split, some of my siblings moved out and it was hard to stay close with them. And my mom could never keep a job so we always jumped from place to place. it was always my mom, my younger brother and sister that are twins, and me. through it all, God and my mom were my bestfriends. But one day came, and although I might never understand why, my mom abandoned and my siblings and me at our fathers. she ran to the other side of the country without explanation. My bestfriend was gone, and I had just turned 14. At 14, I had to become the mother to two young children who had just been scarred by loss of their mother, a mother who ran from them. My dad, bless his heart, does try with us. But at the same time, it’s like he doesn’t. He struggles and I take over, I have cared for these kids for four years now. I take care of them, work,and keep up the straight A’s in school and all of my advanced and AP classes so I can receive the money I need to go to college. I’m hoping for a full ride somewhere, I want to become an Art Teacher or Art Therapist so I can help others. It’s definitely a huge mountain I’ve been climbing, but by the grace of God, I’ve made it so far. There’s been times where He has carried me because I couldn’t walk but I’ve never stopped. Although many important people in my life have foresaked me, God hasn’t. And He never will. These obstacles I’ve faced caused me to grow up real fast, but they’ve also made me a stronger Christian. I have more faith than I ever have. I know there’s nothing that can stop me, I’m going to follow God’s will and my dreams. And being a mom, it’s been difficult but I wouldn’t change it. I love my younger siblings to death. times have got hard, but God always reminds me, “Trust in Me”. And it never fails.I grow stronger with each passing day, I can feel it in my heart. I’ve come too far to turn back now. I’m gonna make it home. My bible is my shield and my sword. It is how I learn to live better. Everyday is a battle, but it is a wonderful blessing at the same time. Even after everything, my life is soo blessed, all because of Jesus. He is my life, my savior, my shelter, my refuge, my bestfriend, my everything.
I hope that through Him, I can touch someone’s life or help them and let them know to never give up, no matter how hard it seems. the truth is in the saying that He’ll never give you anything you can’t handle. nothing, absolutely NOTHING is too big for my God!! Praise the Lord, through it all. God is good, all the time!!
sorry Matthew, I wanted to share my story with you but it would let me submit it so I wasn’t sure what else to do. My apologizes, but here it is.
Wed 7/3/12, 10:37 pm
Having trouble submitting story!
I’ve grown up with severe anxiety, depression, and multiple illnesses, as have my siblings. I’ve also grown up in a blessed family whose lives revolve around the gospel.
The past year may have been the hardest for me: losing my best friends, losing a cousin & uncle, seeing my sister and aunt go through divorce, seeing my best friend practically since birth turn from God, and not knowing where I want my life to go anymore. It was a time of complete loneliness, confusion, loss, hopelessness, and even fear.
I felt completely lost, the “set-in-stone” plan I had for my future was shattered. It seemed as though the only constant in my life was my family, my Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ, and music. There is an emotional, and physical, pain from seeing so much hurt.
I found myself even more unhappy taking pity on myself. When I felt so alone, thinking no one else felt this way, I remembered God and His plan. Jesus came and went through all that pain so we don’t have to, He is always here! Finding little blessings and tender mercies from God each day changed my whole perspective. Giving others what they need is often exactly what you need! I started my own non-profit organization, in which I have found a lot of peace.
The scripture that really helped me is Psalms 23:4… Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
God lives, He knows me by name, He knows my struggles by each individual tear, and He knows the answer to things I’m struggling to figure out. That’s part of getting stronger: having faith in Him.
Wed 7/3/12, 11:23 pm
Cant submit my story.
Thu 8/3/12, 2:36 am
I could not submit my story through the above forum so i am submitting it here-
I am a momma of 3 wonderful adult children but tonight i am going to tell you about only one- Johnnie, he and i have a saying “it’s not my story to tell, you can tell them when you’re ready”
he was the little boy who held up his chubby 6 year old hands in the front row at church with tears streaming down his face during worship to Jesus, he was the 14 yo boy who was molested by a man he met on the internet, he was the 15 yo boy who told his momma “i like boys”, he was the 18 yo young man who told his momma i’m getting a place of my own, don’t cry momma this is what you raised us to do, Johnnie was the you man who moved to ny, he was the 23 yo who on July 28th 2011 said “momma, i never wanted you to hear me say this but i’m positive and i’m so scared will you please pray with me?” Johnnie is the 23 yo young man who March 5th 2012 started taking medication and now has a 2nd chance at life. Today March 7th, 2012 Johnnie is the young man who will tell his brother visiting him from California that he is hiv positive. I don’t know what God has planned for Johnnie or my other 2 children but my prayer is for God to please meet them where they are at with exactly what they need to bring them back to the cross and to Salvation. The verse I hold onto is Proverbs 22:6 Start off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.
Thu 8/3/12, 7:53 am
[...] use in his upcoming album. You can learn more about what he is doing at Matthew’s blog post here. You can submit your story and get a free download of Matthew’s song The Story of Your [...]
Thu 8/3/12, 10:33 pm
This is a letter from one single gal (me) to another single gal (a great friend of mine) in response to a letter I received from her about some of Satan’s lies she has been believing: she’s ugly, boring, not smart, etc.
The Letter:
Ps 139:13-14; Ps 139:17-18; Sng of Sol 4:7; Pro 3:15; Ps 34:5; Ps 45:11; Jer 31:3; Matt 6:26; Ps 34:8; Sng of Sol 2:10; Jhn 15:11; Eph 1:3-4; Jhn 10:10; Jhn 15:15
My frustration with all of it has started to go down quite a bit, thankfully. Lots of prayer!
Friend, these are God’s word about you! He’s CRAZY about you! He created the heavens and the earth, created some guy named Adam, then he though…”Hmm… I think I can do one better.” And he created EVE! (OK, it may not have really gone like that, but it makes for a good point.) Once Eve was created, He was finished and happy and though, “This is GOOD!” We are the cherry on top of the most glorious ice cream sundae. We are made in the image of God and we hold the essence of His BEAUTY. You hold the essence of His beauty! I hope you know that and just relish in it! Everything on earth was created for mankind to enjoy and drink in the wonderful goodness and beauty of our Creator. The enemy is out to ruin our day, and we just don’t have to stand for it! Dang it! Satan hates humanity just about as much as God loves us. Satan’s every move is motivated by breaking down and devastating God’s creation. Unfortunately, he’s pretty good at it! What a jerk! What is better, though, is God! God is SO much greater than Satan. Death has been defeated! “It is finished!” The battle for our heart is won! Jesus won! “Victory in Jesus!”
God desperately longs to be in relationship. He even wants to be in relationship with “ordinary” girls, like you and me. (Let’s be honest, though. You and I are not quite “ordinary.” We are flat out EXTRAordinary!) God, the Lord of EVERYTHING, want to know you personally! Trust me, He doesn’t think you are dumb or boring or weird. In fact, He loves your quirkiness and your smarts and your unique talents. He created you to be that way! Isn’t it great! And wonderful! And glorious! There really are not words that can describe the feeling of being loved and adored by God. It is beyond our human comprehension. WOW!
I don’t know if those are all words you needed to hear, but they are definitely words I wanted to share with you. God has been teaching me SO much over the past 5 months. He has shown me that I am DEEPLY loved! I am made in His image. He handwrote ME (and you) a letter! He wants to spend time with me. He likes me for who I am, and I can come to Him the way I am. He’s there to comfort me when my heart is broken. And He is GOOD to me! The things in life that happen to me that aren’t good and doubts I have—those things are not from God.
God fights for a relationship with me and I’m gonna fight for a relationship with Him. Satan REALLY doesn’t want things to go well between me and Jesus, but I am NOT going to let him get in the way. I won’t! It is not always easy, but God is on MY side! I have the Savior of the world walking next to me and He can handle the crap Satan tries to throw my way. Unfortunately, God does not always work through a quick fix. Sometimes there is a lot of pain and it takes a long time. It really is a b-u-m-m-e-r! But remember… “Consider it pure joy, my brother and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and compete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-5) I know it sounds very cliché to say that, but it’s true. God wants to bring us into deeper, truer relationship with Himself and that sometimes involves yucky trials.
I often wonder if life will go back to the way it was. It seems like life a year and a half ago was so much “better” and “happier.” I’ll admit, I was much happier a year and a half ago. I really liked life. Today… well, I don’t know that I can honestly say I “like” life, but I certainly can say I LOVE my deepening relationship with Jesus! I’ve always thought I was in a relationship with Jesus, but now I’m starting to think all that time we were more like acquaintances, maybe friends. Now, as silly as it sounds (I know,) but it’s like we’re dating/married. Our relationship is so much deeper and more intimate. I really don’t love it when people, especially women, say that they are “married” to Jesus. Marriage, though, is the closest thing to the relationship with Christ and the Church. Our limited human minds fail us again and we can’t fully comprehend how that relationship is intended to work. As people, we have to have some tangible and earthly, I guess, example to help us understand.
All of this does NOT mean I don’t get lonely and long for a human husband (and lots of kids) one day. I just haven’t thought about it quite as much, though. I’ve really enjoyed the sweet time Jesus and I have right now. I’ve got the energy and enthusiasm to take full advantage of it, too. So, I am. We were created to be in relationship with God. I’ve really been trying to make that my main focus.
I really could probably go on about all of this forever, but I’ll start to move on now.
Recently, I completely broke things off with the mister I’ve been dating off and on for the past year. We are no longer talking, seeing each other, communicating in any way. It’s over. (But for the better.) Let me tell you, though, it’s WEIRD! I’ve been in a horrible mood since we ended everything, but ultimately I am doing “OK.” I pray day in and day out for healing in my heart and the strength to move on. I really think I’m getting there, too. I’m starting to really think that life will still happen after HIM. I still don’t fully understand “why” everything happened, but I am starting to let go of my “need” to understand why. I have not quite done all of this “perfectly,” if you know what I mean. I read a great, but subtle, quote in a book. The gist of it was “It’s about direction, not perfection.” AH! Isn’t that SO true!?! Quite frankly, as humans, it is impossible for us to do things “perfectly” all the time. But we have to keep working in that direction. As we strive to be in a deeper relationship with Christ and make better decisions for our lives we are going to get better at living the way God intended for us to live. “Perfect” is not going to happen on earth. We are going to have to wait for Heaven before we see what Perfection is.
Thank you so much for your letter. I was so happy to get it. I have few single friends left I can relate to. I don’t think I really know all that many women who have been single at our age. I’d like to think I’m doing a pretty good job of it, though.
I hate to cut this “short,” but I gonna have to hit the road to go on a lunch date with Jesus!
I love you, friend!
-Monica
Fri 9/3/12, 2:28 am
My name is Lara C Martinez. I am 22 years old. I weigh 280 pounds. This is my story. At age 18 I got the most wonderful news a women can get. I was going to be a mom. Even though I was young, I was happy. I was with a man that loved me, respected me, and provided for me. I was so sure I would be a great mother, and he would be a great father. And so our journey began. Every time I went to my Dr. the baby was “fine and healthy”. Filled with joy my fiancé and I started buying things for our baby boy. We were the happiest people in the world, until right before my sixth month. My baby boy was gone. And no one could tell me why or how. My fiancé told me God had a purpose and a reason for every thing he did. Angry I told him if there was a God, He hated me. I wanted to believe really bad that God would compensate me for my loss. 4 years have gone by, and I am still waiting for my baby. Becoming pregnant again has been impossible. As the years have gone by not a day goes by that I don’t pray for my baby. My fiancé and I are still together, we have learned to strengthen our marriage in the name of God. Over the course of time I have seen all my close friends and coworkers get pregnant and give birth to beautiful children, and I can only wait. There were moments when my heart was filled with hate and envy. Times where being around babies and children were not an option for me. Working with kids has always been my passion. I have always worked in daycares. At first I could not help to think that this was a mean and cruel joke God was playing on me. Recently I accepted God in my life and in my heart, for good. Don’t get me wrong, I still cry at the thought of never getting the chance to be a mother, I still pray every month for my cycle to be late or absent. But now I know God gives me strength to overcome it all and my faith is much stronger. My doctor says I can be a mother; all I have to do is want it real bad and loose at least 100 pounds. Thankfully, I know I cannot do this without God. I pray for strength to accomplish this. I pray for all the women who cannot have children. I pray that they get to know God like I did. I pray that they have faith. They are the reason why I will work as hard as I can to accomplish my goal, and I will tell my story. I want all women to know there is still hope, because in the end my story has been written by God, I just get to tell it. Thank you so much for taking time to read this, and I hope within my words you are inspired.
Fri 9/3/12, 5:21 pm
Thank you Matthew West for sharing your gifts with us. You music shares Gods love with us all
Fri 9/3/12, 10:53 pm
Even if a song is never written I pray my story reaches someone. I am writing as an alias to protect myself. Many details are left out for that fact. In 1992 at 18 as my parents were away and the choice to throw a small party wasn’t such a bad idea. Enjoying the flirtatious ways of one man led to an immediate infatuation towards me. Ignorance got the best of me. One minute I am at home hanging – next my choices led me to a trailer park locked up in this guy’s home with a threat of my life if I left. In less than 24hrs I was “his” girl. A drug dealer with gang connections & a fear I will never forget. Never had I tried drugs or even seen it. Drugs became common & watching innocent teens beat close to death as a threat as to what would happen to my own family if I ran. I was the reason those kids suffered beatings. The pain was too much. At one point when a 45 was being waived in my face I wished that he would pull the trigger. There was a night where they had taken me to a part of deserted beach. This was a place for them to let off steam and rambled on about their crimes. As I was walking along side of the ocean enduring every laughter and feeling the pain of the many victims and the regrets of my decisions. I couldn’t live with myself anymore. I decided to dash out into the ocean & I swam as hard as I could. Praying that the waves would just swallow me up. Jelly fish were stinging me left and right – but I didn’t care. I felt numb until I felt a jerk on my leg. I went under the water so fast I didn’t know what had me. As I came up I felt the hands of someone around me and faint yelling. The same man who had no value for other’s lives was saving mine. I guess he was so use to hurting others he never thought a person could want to hurt themselves. I passed out and woke up in the trailer. I cried out to God “if there was a God and He wouldn’t let me die then please set me free from my self inflicted nightmare”. The next morning I was awaken to screaming. After it got quiet I chanced walking out of the room only to see everyone gone except one. The cops came to arrest him for a crime. It was my chance to get out and I did. I came to Christ in 2001 and it was then that I realized that God truly answered my prayers in the most desperate time in my life. Though I had not yet chosen Christ as my Savior yet – God set me free. I always look back on that moment when God heard me in darkest part of my life.
“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day.” John 6:44
“Marie”
Sat 10/3/12, 7:14 am
I’ve tried numerous times to submit my story on the KLove website; however, my story cannot fit into the 2500 available characters. My story is one that I think really needs to be heard. I plan on writing my story one day and trying to get it published. Please take the time to read over what I have tried to submit and share it with Mr. West:
I grew up mostly in Georgia. I have an older brother and sister and parents that have been divorced since I was young. We had quite a dysfunctional life, to say the least. My parents constantly split up and got back together. We moved frequently because of this.There was a lot of screaming and yelling, things breaking and the three of us in bed crying at the sounds. Between the ages of 8 and 9, I went to 8 different schools.I had problems with depression since I was a very small child. I remember even attempting suicide, in silly ways that would not work at a very young age (at 3 or 4, I thought I could suffocate and die if I covered the blankets over my entire body and closed up all holes; at 9 I thought I could choke myself to death)I grew up in a Christian-Atheist home. The only thing I was taught was that there was a God, He had a son who died on a cross and because I believed that, I would go to Heaven. That was it. I was told as long as I didn’t do the really bad things, like murder, I wouldn’t go to Hell. So, I grew up, not knowing God or ever really hearing the gospel of Jesus Christ. When I was 13 years old, I was living in GA with my Mom and sister; my Dad and brother were living in Florida and I was going through a lot of problems at home. My Mom spent most nights at bars and at home, we were mostly screamed at with very strict rules. I started to rebel, ran away from home a few times and was sent to the mental institution for talking about suicide. After running away the third time, I was picked up by the police and told I was allowed to go live with my Dad in Florida. My dad pretty much let us do whatever we wanted. He has been married 7 times, to this day. My Mom was his 3rd wife. So, after a couple of months, he packed us up and moved us back to GA to live with my grandmother until he married another woman. By the end of 8th grade( age 14), I was pregnant. I fought with my step-mom and was thrown out. I stayed with my Mom for a few months, started High school and went into premature labor on September 11, 1997. My son died and afterwards, I fell into another bout of depression. Soon after, my mom threw me out and I went back to Dad’s to live. He was soon divorced again and moving us. It was a vicious cycle. I got on a lot of drugs; tried anything and everything I could get my hands on. I was always looking for something. there was an empty place in my soul that I didn’t know how to fill. I spent all of my time drinking, using drugs, having sex with many different guys and experimenting in witchcraft. I dropped out of school in 9th grade, when my dad was married, yet again to another woman who was dying. When I got into a fight with her, I was thrown out again. This time I was 16 and had a part time job, but no vehicle or license. I refused to go to Mom’s house, so I spent nights crashing on friends’ couches, floors and wherever I fell at the end of the night. Life went on like this for a while before a couple of lesbian women let me rent a room from them. The vicious cycle of being thrown out, moving from place to place went on until I was married to an abusive man at the age of 18. After years of abuse and every aspect of my life being controlled by him, I finally got out right before turning 21; at which time my oldest daughter was 2. My mother threw us out after a couple of months and we moved down to Southeast GA to stay with my dad as I finished cosmetology school. I started working in bars to care for Laila and I and pay my tuition. I was young and cute and I was the new girl in a small town, so I dated a lot. I partied a lot and ended up with a bad reputation. I was always trying to fulfill the emptiness in my soul that only Christ can fill, but always in the wrong ways. I filled my days with alcohol, drugs and sex with many different partners. I eventually had a second daughter after I had been in a terrible car accident; where I was walking across the highway, drunk at 3 am and was struck by a car. Because of that incident, I lost my oldest daughter to her abusive father, where she was being molested by his parents. For the next few years, my life was filled with drugs, alcohol and many more short-lived relationships. My youngest and I became homeless and ended up staying with an older man who wanted to use me for his own desires. I was a stripper at that time. I did what I had to do to buy diapers and food for my child. I hated doing it and had to be very drunk or high to take my clothes off. The man that we were staying with kept a lot of cocaine and beer around for me. After a few months of this Hell, God sent a miracle that led us far away from all of that. Below, I’m going to paste a narrative essay I recently wrote for my college English class.
Divine Intervention
The courtroom was filled that morning. People were squeezed together on the courtroom benches, awaiting their fate, which was in the hands of Judge Douglas. I looked up to the jury box, where it seemed as though half of the Glynn County Police force was sitting. I assumed that they were there to testify against many different people and many different crimes. When I was called to the front, along with my Dad and my unprepared attorney, I felt as though my heart was going to jump out of my chest as every single officer also stood up. Feelings of dread, complete fear and hopelessness took over my body as I realized that all of the police officers were there to testify against me. Chatter in the courtroom grew louder as we prepared to stand before the angry judge. The bailiff began reciting the many charges that were being brought against me from the previous year, when I had been arrested 5 times. The charges varied from D.U.I., criminal trespass, simple battery, driving on a suspended license, several counts of obstruction and various other charges which I was unaware of. The fury of Judge Douglas, the hatred that he had for me grew with every charge. I felt helpless as the judge’s wrath came down on me, degrading me and not letting anyone defend me. He asked my dad what was wrong with me, but cut him off as soon as he began to defend me. He wanted to testify that I’d moved away, gotten saved and changed my life. “Gotten saved” are the words that he spoke and in my mind and in my heart I knew that his statement was a lie. I did not know the true meaning of the word “saved.” I did not even truly believe that there was a God. I occasionally attended church with my boyfriend, but I was skeptical. I tried to shake those thoughts as I anxiously and fearfully awaited my fate. I knew I was going to serve time, but how much? The sentencing began and he sentenced me to “30 days on the charge of…” for each charge. I lost track of how many times he spoke the words “30 days”, as my charges were numerous and my helplessness grew as the anxiety washed over me. I felt as though my life was over, but little did I know that was the day that my lifelong journey, my eternal fate, was to begin.
While an officer was questioning me about my height, weight and other identifying marks in the booking process, I asked him exactly how much time I would be serving. “30 days” he told me frankly. I felt a mix of confusion and relief. Surely the angry judge, who cursed me and degraded me in front of the court, would have punished me for longer than 30 days. Seeing the look and the many questions on my face, he explained that the judge had mercy on me and placed every 30 day sentence as “running concurrent.” I recalled the judge saying that in the courtroom; however, I was unaware of what it meant. A great relief came over me as I was led away and stripped of all my dignity, my rights and my freedom. I had received an undeserving mercy, and that was just the beginning.
I was led to a tiny cell where I would be staying with 3 other women. The jailhouse was extremely overcrowded and women were scrunched together in every corner. Two women in my cell had their cots on the floor; one next to the toilet and one crammed under a small table. I was lucky enough to be assigned the top bunk. I was given a 1 inch mat, 2 sheets and a filthy, scratchy wool blanket. “Home sweet home” I thought smugly. Knowing my time would drag on, and the days would seem never-ending, I found books and spent my time in my cell, reading.
When I became restless and bored with a Stephen King novel, I headed out to the book cart to find another, perhaps more intriguing book. At last, after going through many titles, I held in my hands a hard cover book; non-fiction, or so it claimed to be. I read the title and grinned at the irony of it. “God Doesn’t Believe in Atheists”- a book claiming to “prove” that God does exist. I was an agnostic and was always up for a good argument. I accepted the challenge and headed back to my cell, where I would curl up on my bunk and try to block out the noisy, disorderly conduct of the other inmates in “C” Block.
Within the first few chapters of the book, I was becoming convinced. There is a God. My soul was set ablaze with grief, remorse and fear. It was as if the flames of Hell were licking at the bottom of my soul, taunting me with every breath I took. If there was a God, then I was surely going to Hell. I felt utter dread and fear, much more than I had ever felt before. When I tried to shake off my dread and read some more, several memories came back to me, showing me how I had been saved by His amazing grace. For a short time, I was taken back to the scenes of a horrible accident, where my mangled body laid on the side of the highway. I should have died. Doctors told my family to say “goodbye” to me. They did not believe I was not going to come out of the coma. God intervened; he proved them wrong. He saved me from an eternity in Hell. My heart became grateful for the many times in life that I had been saved, rescued from a God that I denied for so long. Lying on the hard mat, my eyes began filling with tears as I recalled the many suicide attempts over the years and how I failed every time. It was as if someone or something was saving me. I knew from that moment on that it was God. “He must really love me,” I thought, “but why?” I was undeserving of love. I was a sinner and the worst kind. I had lived a life filled with every impure thing that God commands us to turn from. I had engaged in every immoral thing including witchcraft and denying God. I felt unworthy of His love.
Rolling over and facing the wall to hide my tear filled eyes, I began pleading with a God that I didn’t know. I did not know what to say or how to pray, but I poured my heart out to Him. I begged for mercy and forgiveness. After pleading, with tear stained cheeks, I thanked God for all the times He had saved me from myself and from the cruel, cold world around me. I thanked Him for saving me and my daughter from the hell we were in only months before. I became conscious of how He had stepped in and found a way out for us. He took us far away from people, places, drugs, alcohol and work that instigated great shame and pain to the depths of my being. He had taken me to a place where I would be surrounded with Christians who truly loved me and cared for me, no matter how horrible I had been. Now I was in jail, where I would find this book that would convince me there is a God. Suddenly my eyes were opened to countless “God winks” that I’d never seen before. My felony charges were mysteriously reduced to misdemeanors. My sentencing was only 30 days for my numerous charges. I was floored and completely overtaken with gratitude.
Over the past 3 years, I have grown to know and love the God that I once cursed and denied. I was saved from a horrible place in my life where I was shamed on a daily basis. I went from being fearful of God to knowing Him and loving Him. I found salvation and forgiveness in Jesus Christ; He covered my sins and my shame with His blood. I am no longer the girl I use to be. My anger, my depression, my shame and the terrible sin I once lived in have all been taken away. I’ve been transformed and it’s all because Jesus was waiting for me in the Glynn County Correction Center. Over 2,000 years ago, Jesus spoke these words that are still prevalent today: “I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance”- Mark 2:17. (end of essay)
Since then, life has changed a lot. I am now married to a wonderful man and I have a close intimate relationship with Christ. If you’d like to know more (there is so much more to tell), please contact me via email or at (912) 592-3788. Good luck and God Bless!
Sat 10/3/12, 12:23 pm
I may not have story that is filled with drugs, alcohol or addictions. I have learned that it is my story and God has been using every experience whether it has been good or bad to further his kingdom. God has been using my story to become an advocate for those who feel like they have no voice. In my lifetime I have experienced the death of my mom, abuse, three sexual harassment cases ( happened to me) and pain that only Christ could get me through. I realized that people see how I react to each of these situations and through that they see the love of Christ being shown no matter what. They see how I find my strength in Christ. In turn that inspires others to take a stand and change their current situation. They learn that if I can do it they can do it. To me that is what my story means is that I can now move from being the victim to the advocate because Christ gave me that strength to make it through.
Sat 10/3/12, 7:38 pm
i love matthew great man of God which we all know we need more Godly men and women and children! thank you
Sun 11/3/12, 11:00 pm
Part of my story can be found on this podcast. It is rough but it’s real and straight from my heart.
Here’s the link:)
http://www.kerimae.com/2012/02/fear-not-part-2-interview-with-heather.html
Mon 12/3/12, 2:34 pm
Hello, Mattew You’re songs are great to listen to. I submitted my story a couple of days ago through my other e-mail Rosa1728@aol.com. Yet, like you stated on some of you’re videos. Every one and anyone has a sad story to tell, and many are heart breaking, and touching. As for me, this is a first for me telling someone how and what I felt. But most of the time, I express my self through poetry, and I express others as well. “Thank you, just for reading, and expressing you’re heart well compassion like our heavily father does for everyone.
Tue 13/3/12, 1:17 am
I’ve been looking for a way to get the word out to those in need of help. I believe that my story isn’t really that bad that there are much worse cases out there, but this is my story that changed my life. I want them to know that they don’t have to stay in an abusive relationship that there is hope. I want people to know that there are people in this world who are here for them and if they believe GOD is there too. I want them to know If they’ve lost faith (I never did) that Jesus loves them and has great plans for them. . They should know that this is just part of the road that will lead them to happiness in the end. I am proof! I want them to not be bitter or angry at all with him. He’s there and wants the best for them. They should know that they deserve the best and need to get out. Also, that they are beautiful and can do this and brighter days are ahead. They should also know they can recover and be happy again and can lead “normal” healthy lives. I want them to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is for male and female……all people who are struggling……suffering with emotional/physical abuse. I have never publically shared my words…..so here we go
It wasn’t the first time, but it was the last. I left him after he raped me. I call it rape…I was crying and pushing him off of me….he didn’t stop.(pretty sure this wasn’t the first) I loved him and was going to marry him. We were engaged and I had a dress picked out, but waited to buy it. I had the colors picked out and was really going to do it. Not sure what I was thinking….for he had total control over me and my life. He hated my job. (in short I was the liaison between the school parents and the community) and wouldn’t let me speak with my family in peace . He didn’t like the way I answered the phone when he called my work nonstop. All I said was hello this is Miss Mandy…it’s what they called me. It was totally appropriate. He would make me tell him if my dad stopped by my job to say hi. All of this was totally out of line, but I stayed. I fought for his love and for peace with him. I couldn’t predict coffee spills in the morning, but I sure tried to make everything just so. I broke numerous phones to protect myself. I couldn’t have people in my life. I got rid of anything that anybody of the opposite sex gave me. Like my very good friend made me a homemade CD. I threw it away. I changed the email address I had since high school. I was in my mid to late 20s. I discontinued my phone service. Shaking at the counter trying to explain I needed my account to go away. I tried my best to make him happy. Well, like I said I left. I conspicuously left my ring at his place; the place where we lived together, and went to my mom’s to do school work as I usually did. (he kind of liked my mom and step dad) I didn’t return to get my things my step dad and mother went and got them for me.
I thought I was free….safe……
Then one night I was headed out to spend time with friends. He was hiding on the side of the house. He jumped on my car and wouldn’t let me go. He must have still had control over me or maybe I still loved him. Not sure, but I let him get in my car and drive me away from my home. Looking back I’ve seen the different things I could’ve done, but that is just not what happened. Instead I was about to have my life changed. I didn’t know it at the time, but the next hours would be the end of all abuse. As I sat next to him in the passenger seat he ripped my favorite yellow shirt off of me, tore my bra into two pieces, and ripped my underwear off of me all while he was driving. By the time he got to telling me he was going to rip the hair out of my head and pulling it tightly I had left the scene I was with Jesus in my head. Although, I did contemplate jumping out of the car and maybe even into someone else’s truck at the red light naked…….I stayed. He took me to his current residence and I was pushed down concrete stairs and ducked and bobbed for I don’t know how long trying to not get hurt. I counted 14 bruises in different places. I remember my palms and arms…..the biggest deal I couldn’t hide with clothes the next day was the double busted lip that showed itself on the outside of my mouth it looked like printer ink. People at Open House that I had a huge part in putting together took notice. They put it together, but I shrugged it off saying I was fine. To me it was over and I was returned home. Saved by Jesus. They wanted violence and I wanted peace.
(blacked things out)
He says I spoke with him after this ordeal and saw him too, but said that if he ever did anything to me again I’d not speak with him again. Well, I guess he did the sex thing again…..and he says I stuck to my guns because it was many years later that I spoke with him. I forgave him. I wanted that off my shoulders I might have even thanked him because like I said it was the end and the start of healthy relationships. It took me several years and I know of at least 2 where I dated a new person who showed me healthy and how it felt to be completely safe. I wasn’t the best girlfriend. I was broken. I was a hermit and rarely went to places with them. I didn’t do much around the house to help out either.
Today, all I want to be is a true advocate for the abused men and women. Before, I would hug women I worked with at school with bruises…secretly hiding mine. I would read posters in the lounge about warning signs of abuse and could check just about every one of them off the list. The principal and secretary said I could live with them.
I used to write a lot of things….and I kept all my notes…….found this tonight….it’s written as if I was going to write a book that would possibly save lives…..Possible titles of chapters and/or book:
The Fear of not Making It home (referring to that dark night when I was taken from home)
You know You and the Truth (referring to me knowing deep down I was a good person and only helped people for a living and as a person in this world despite what I was being told by him)
Just When You Thought You Were Free/Safe (referring to the fact that I did make it out of the relationship….and thought I was free from it and safe at home but that he returned)
Googled How To Get Rid of Your Ex (referring to the time I actually sat at my mom’s computer and typed It in search….only to find that there wasn’t much there about it and that there needed to be more out there to help people)
He Came Back (referring to the night again)
Tears of Joy: Escaping the Ugly (referring to how happy and blessed it feels to get out and live the life you knew you deserved)
Because I Care and You Need Help
Possible Chapter Title: You are Beautiful and Deserve the Best
I sat down at my mom’s laptop and Googled how to get rid of your ex. Not much of anything appeared. I felt there was a strong need for this type of information so I decided to write this book. So much has happened in my life, and I like to stay positive, keep a strong faith, and continue to be the strong beautiful loving person I am, but in order to be strong you must dig deep and pull out the negative things that have happened to you. One must feel their pain and deal with it in order to move on. Let go of the baggage. Yes, it’s hard to choose what to focus on, but today I’d like to deal with the pain and struggle of getting away from the physically/emotional abuse. The one who took away your hope of fulfilling the dreams you’ve had since you were little. You’re beautiful baby and you deserve the best. Never let someone take away your dreams or keep you from doing what Jesus intended you to do. Don’t let anyone twist your thoughts into thinking what you do not believe. Ex. You’re a whore: In reality I’m not. You know yourself and who you are.
You might say my case isn’t that serious. This is not true. Every case is as serious as the next. Yes, some have children to help and others do not. Some are on a ventilator they are so badly beaten, but nobody I repeat nobody should ever be hurt. Emotions count too. Emotional abuse is just as debilitating as physical. (I know I said mine isn’t that bad of a case and that counter acts what this says, but I am humble towards myself)
Ha, writing this I still can’t believe it happened to little ol’ me. I’m about 100 pounds and petite. The biggest things on me are my eyes. Some say it’s my heart. I’ve been engaged 2 times and abused by both of them. There were little things before that too that guys did to me. It was just a cycle of abuse, but the last one was the last time. I made it!! I thank Jesus for letting it happen and for bringing me home safely that night. It was a terrible path, but I can now take it and run with it and turn it into positive. I’m finally free and the happiest with me I’ve ever been. He recently lead me to medicine to help with my chemical imbalance after years of depression. It showed its face when I was 10. I don’t have any sad feelings anymore and am able to share my smile as I always did, but am smiling in the inside now not just smiling with sadness lurking deep down. I hope somehow you are able to take my words and do something with them……it’s so important that people see that they deserve the very best….Jesus will walk the walk with them and he has plans for good and not evil. Thank you for reading this……and if you’re lost lonely scared…..feel Jesus’s love and know you’re never alone.
Fri 16/3/12, 6:04 am
this cd has brought my whole life full circle….. 15 years ago my then husband had an affair with a friend of ours! It was extremely painful to say the least. Today, I am happily married to a man who loves Christ! My son, who is about to be father in a few weeks, is about to repeat ‘the story of ‘my’ life’! It is extremely painful to see him doing close to the same things to his wife, the mother of his unborn child!!! I am choosing to remain strong in my faith, that my son will change his family tree/history!! Matthew- your CD and your book have kept me going! I opened it this morning to a story very similar to mine: the prodigal son! I pray for you to keep these stories going; they are healing many!! Can’t wait to see you in Pittsburgh in a few weeks!!!
Sun 18/3/12, 6:13 pm
Spiritual warfare is a serious thing and most people don’t know that we have more power than satan, but we were given that power by God.Satan will try to attack you at the time he thinks you are the weakest such as in your sleep.That is why it is important to know why and how what you watch and listen to can corrupt your soul.When this happens, you call on Jesus, and rebuke satan with all authority, because if he sees that you have even a little bit of fear in you, he will torment you.God has given us authority over satan and as Christians we have to realize these things.Most people when they are watching movies such as Twilight they are allowing evil spirits to be invited into their homes.”So do not fear because god has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and love ,and of a sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7.He does not want war, but peace.He does not want poverty, but to be whole.There is a big difference between being whole and being healed.Being healed has to do with your physical being and being whole means every aspect of your life is right with god such as finances and the home.Though sometimes it seems as if the devil might win he cant especially if you have Christ to guide and his holy word. Watch what you say do look at and listen to because they have a big impact on your life.
Mon 19/3/12, 8:20 am
I will try to minimize and summarize as much as possible.
In 1996 I lost my job as a Journeyman Machinist at Mare Island Naval Shipyard in CA. After losing my job, my first wife left, and left me with 2 kids, 2 and 3. A short time later, I met my current wife, Becky eventually marrying. We have 7 kids between us, 4 of our own. We feel that the Lord led us to each other and have been growing in the Lord ever since we met.
About 6 months before I lost my job I was diagnosed with severe carpal tunnel syndrome, with cubital tunnel syndrome I have had 6 surgeries for this, I still have both conditions but not as severe. My plans before I was laid off, was to go to med school, then Chiropractic school. About 2 years into it is when I was diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel. Jumping to 2006. After praying for more than 3 years about where God wanted us to be and praying for his direction in our lives, he led us to Cheyenne, WY. Everything fell into place for us to move as far as finding a home, purchasing it etc. I had to bring the 4 kids across country leaving Becky, 6 months pregnant with our twins at our mostly empty unsold house in CA, still working at her job.
When I went back to get her on the first of November, The day we were to leave for WY. she had early contractions, and an abruption. Her and the twins almost died. My wife almost bled to death and was saved with just seconds to go. Our daughter was born dead and had to be revived three times. Her brother was near death but survived. Neither one was expected to live the night. The kids were expected to have mental retardation of some kind and be vegetables for life. One month later they were released and we brought them to WY. Today are very active with no apparent health issues.
While I was with them in CA, my wife’s mother was watching our older kids here in Cheyenne and tried to kill three of them, prompting an emergency flight back here, leaving Becky and the twins at the hospital in Sacramento CA in ICU. She was able to arrive in Cheyenne just before Christmas. A short time later In February of 2007 Becky’s dad passed away.
Since we have been here, we have had such a hard time. We came here with no jobs, no expectations. We came totally on faith because we knew God was leading us here. We still think this was the right move and that we were following God’s direction. We came here to not only follow the Lord, but to save our family. We were under a lot of stress because of Becky’s employer, lack of money, bad schools the list goes on.
Since we have moved here, we have had 8 family members have pass away, including our 17 yr old son last September 29th. Both of Becky’s parents, my father, now Nathan in a roll over accident in which his 19 yr old sister was driving. Corina should not have survived the accident. (big story here)
I think that the more we go through this immensely difficult time, the less I know about God, Heaven.
I know God has used me to save two people from drowning, one of them twice. He has used me to speak to congregation during a church split. He has used me to speak at my sons funeral. A banquet for the firefighters that responded to the accident. (The worst extrication a fire chief had ever seen in 40 yrs) GOD has kept me from walking off of a cliff about 8 years ago while I was hunting. He has kept me from dying of Asthma as a child several times. He has kept me from dying in auto accidents and 2 auto accidents he kept from happening (there is no other explanation) He has kept me from getting shot. He has kept me here for some reason, but why?
For several months I have felt like there is a ministry to have, but I am the most unlikely and undeserving person to have any ministry. I am by far, not the material for any kind of ministry.
Becky and I know we are supposed to be here, I have always wondered why I am here. God gave me a voice to sing and I have sung with the Billy Graham Crusade, Kevin Sharp, etc. but I don’t know if this is my gift. I have a great wife, great kids, great church, great faith, is God calling?, is Satan trying to ruin us?
I try so hard to support my family and I do think God directed me to be a REALTOR. Real estate is so hard and just when things finally started to improve for us, my kids got into that accident.
For all of the doubts we have on occasion because of what has happened to us, we do know that GOD is great!! As hard as it is losing our son, GOD has used this already to touch so many people across the world. We don’t know what GOD has in store for us, but we continue to look to him for wisdom, strength, direction and that he use us how ever we can be used
Mon 19/3/12, 4:26 pm
This year I started 8th grade and at a new school where I knew almost nobody and the people I knew where some of only friends I made a few friends through the help of my friends that I already knew. My parents noticed my grades slipping and
Tue 20/3/12, 8:22 pm
Those Battles That You Fight
By: Christie Sanders
Dearest Reader,
Do you ever wonder what makes you; you? Well I do, often. Is it where I come from? Is it what I have been through? Is it where I live? Is it who my family is? Well, in this endless search to know who and why I am I am going to tell you my story. My story. That sounds like a start to some profound memoir doesn’t it? Well, dear reader I am neither profound nor abnormally interesting, but I am choosing to tell MY story. It’s pretty short. It’s pretty average, but I believe that some of my past experiences have defined who and why I am. My past experiences have made me make certain choices and have contributed to how I have reacted to my environment in certain ways. If you choose to read all the way through first of all, I commend you. Second, I dearly hope that by the end you will have a clearer picture of who I am and what I’ve been through. Third, you might be able to understand even a little bit better what I am going through at this present time. So here we go!
No one can tell me that God is not sovereign. No one can tell me that He never had a plan. No one can tell me that God is surprised. I was born “a mistake”. I was born to a young unmarried woman who probably loved me, but knew that I was not in her plan. Reader, I WAS in God’s plan though….
Halfway around the world eight years before I was born there was a young couple, my parents, who were hurting. They were hurting because my mother had been diagnosed with endometriosis preventing her from ever bearing children. This left my parents heartbroken and sad. I remember my mother telling me, “This wasn’t how I planned it, Christie. I wanted to get pregnant and then have my babies in the summer. I wanted all girls. Your father wanted all boys.” My parents’ dreams had been seemingly stolen from them. My mother describes feeling utterly devastated and just a little bit angry at God. All around her, her friends and family were having babies. Her unmarried sister had a baby while she, who had been married for three years, was still barren. This could have destroyed my parents. This could have broken up their marriage, but reader, it didn’t.
God had an amazing plan for my family. In the San Francisco Bay area there was a little boy born on April 29th 1986 to a fifteen year old girl. My parents were there to witness his birth. They adopted my brother Stephen Sanders that April of 1986 and brought him home to a rejoicing and welcoming family. Then, Christmas Eve of 1988 my mother received a phone call from the adoption agency. They had a baby boy for my parents. My father was at Home Depot getting some last minute Christmas shopping accomplished. (Just like a guy. ^_^) Now, this was back in the day when there were no cell phones. So my mother had to call the store and the store had to “page” Jim Sanders to the cash register and my father always says: “I thought they meant the OTHER Jim Sanders in the store.” So there my mother sat at home crying, praising, and thanking the Lord. She couldn’t call anyone or talk to anyone before she shared this wonderful news with my daddy. So there she sat with the clock ticking… ticking… ticking…. until my father returned. That day they brought home the best Christmas present they had ever received; my brother, Jeremiah Sanders.
Six years later in August of 1994 I came to America from Seoul, South Korea on a big white stork. (Also known as a plane) I (Christie Sanders) was born premature on April 16th, 1994 at four pounds, three ounces. My parents wanted a baby girl and they were given one. God picked all the members of my family from all corners of the world and brought us together to form one strong family unit. If that is not God’s sovereignty I don’t know what is…
Everyone says that little boys are known as troublemakers and my brother Jeremy was no exception. During my childhood he was always taking things apart that he never put back together again, he was always in places he shouldn’t be, he set fire to a ditch out behind our house, burned his sheets, climbed all over our roof, got in fist fights, and was always putting my brother Stephen in a world of hurt (if he deserved it) And that is just a sampling of the stories that I have! Just imagine how many grey hairs my parents have as a result of all of Jeremy’s escapades.
Now let’s skip forward some years. It’s 2000. I’ve been living with my family now for about six years. My brother Stephen is fourteen and my brother Jeremy is twelve. They say that everyone has a rough awkward thirteenth year, but this is the year my brother Jeremy went off the deep end. I can still remember that year with amazing clarity even though many days and years of my life seem blurry and unclear. And even though the years have slipped by and healing has taken place I can still remember. This year is a big one for me. This is the year that the pain begins. Somehow along my journey I began to mark my years by what my family went through and how much pain we were in. However somehow along my journey I found plenty of redemption and love despite the pain and the scars.
To a little girl suffering, conflict, and strife seem to swallow up the goodness and the light. To a little girl her family is her world and any pain that her family feels is magnified to an almost unbearable level. To a little girl anything can break her fragile heart. I’ve learned a lot from my heart breaks. I’ve learned a lot through the aching. As a little girl you feed off of the energy that is around you and for me a lot of the time that energy was negativity.
God is strong when we are weak. He lifts you up when you are at rock bottom. My mother had been home schooling my brothers. In 2000 she put Jeremy and I in public school. I was in kindergarten and Jeremy was in Jr. High. We always knew that Jeremy had different struggles from other boys but we were not prepared for the onslaught of craziness that was about to rain down in the next many many years to come. It was not until some years later that he was officially diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar Disorder.
I don’t think that I can even begin to articulate the chaos and insanity my family was thrown into in the next two years. It was full of yelling, arguments, crying, and fear mostly as a direct result of Jeremy and his antics. One of my first memories was hiding under my bed with my little hands clamped over my ears, crying with my face on the floor. It sounds pitiful doesn’t it? Looking back it probably wasn’t as bad as it could have been. My parents were loving and caring. Yes, there were days where they were at the end of their rope. There were days where they were completely emotionally drained. There were days when they were utterly spent and discouraged. There were days when they felt utterly shattered. But there were also days filled with love, smiles, and happiness too. Yes, sometimes those days seemed few and far between, but I never; not for one second had to doubt that my parents loved me or loved each-other. The situation could have torn their marriage apart, but reader, it didn’t. That wasn’t in God’s plan either…
Even though my early childhood started out a bit rocky God chose to redeem the time. He chose to use the ashes. He chose to take that early pain to form me into a stronger person. He gave me a taste of pain that early in my life to prepare me for what was to come many years later.
I remember in my early childhood making a promise to myself that I would do whatever it took to make my parents happy. I saw the pain and sadness that my parents were slogging through and I promised in my sweet childlike innocence that I was never going to cause them suffering. I wanted to be the good child. I wanted to be the perfect one. I wanted to make my parents happy. I wanted to be the one to put smiles on their faces because God knows my brothers were never going to do that. I didn’t know how else to make my parents love me and at that time that was all that mattered to me. I wanted to protect them. I wanted to shield them from agony. I didn’t want them to have to feel hurt. My family was my world. And with that promise I began my ceaseless, hopeless, unfruitful journey for perfection. To this very day I have not fully stopped that quest to fulfill my unswerving vow.
Let’s skip forward about seven more years. It’s 2009. August 22, that’s when everything hit the fan one more time. Jeremy got arrested with a DUI. He had fallen into the wrong crowd without us ever knowing. Jeremy had gotten into alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and other terrible things that I will not mention. In the next year and a half to follow as a family we were kicked down, dragged through the mud, and stomped on by the big bad world. My parents had purposefully sheltered their children from the bad influences that the world had to offer and Jeremy disregarded their attempts and had thrown himself wholeheartedly in all things destructive and rebellious. Eventually he ended up in jail for a while. He has since turned to the Lord for forgiveness and grace and was granted those things. Jeremy now fights to stay on the right path; walking with the Lord.
Meanwhile I had been making good on my unshakable vow. The pressures of the world and my environment began to press on me. I remember feeling as if I were trapped in a glass box. I remember feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I remember feeling utterly, desolately alone. I remember feeling like I was drowning in my own sorrow. I remember feeling like I was suffocating. I remember feeling like I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I was going through. I remember feeling like I had to slap on a smile no matter how much pain I was in. I remember training myself to say “I’m fine” no matter what I really felt. I was afraid to share my feelings. I was afraid to share what I was going through. I was afraid to show anyone who I really was. I was afraid that if I admitted that I was weak people would walk away. I was afraid of losing people. I was afraid of people rejecting me. I was afraid that if I let people see the real true me that they wouldn’t like what they saw. You see, I spent my life attending to other people’s needs. I spent my entire life making myself indispensable by filling what they needed or wanted. I am such an analytical person that I would psychoanalyze what kind of friends they had, what kind of friends they were attracted to, what kind of a person they were and what personality would best fit with them and then I became what they needed. I thought that this was the way that people made friends. I thought that this was normal. I thought that this would make them happy. I thought that this would make me happy and it did for a while.
In my home life I remained the good child. The problem solver. The strong one. The shield. The perfect one. The successful one. The over achiever. Even though I knew that I would never be perfect and I would never be good enough I thought that I was fooling everyone around me. I thought that I had to earn my parents love. Dearest reader, I was dreadfully mistaken. I remember feeling my parent’s pain. I remember feeling their agony. I remember wanting to protect them from feeling any more pain. I remember wanting to so desperately fix everything around me and I couldn’t.
As a result of all of this wrong thinking for many years I remember feeling worthless. I remember thinking that to myself every single solitary day. You are worth nothing. You are pathetic. You are sad. You are broken. You are lost. No one is ever going to love you. Who do you think you are? You are a fraud. You are stupid. You are insignificant. No one cares about you. No one loves you. You are a pitiful excuse for a human being. You are a failure. You have no worth. You have no value. You are damaged goods. You will never be worth anything. I was in a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. Despite the chaotic home life I was in I was in my own personal hell in my own head. I was inflicting these thoughts. I was indoctrinating myself. It was all me. I wasn’t getting this from anyone else. I was in pain and I thought that no one cared, but that wasn’t it at all. I didn’t tell anyone about my struggles with depression, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, anxiety, and many many other issues. I held it all inside. I was imprisoned in my own head. I was shackling myself to my pain and agony. I was confining my suffering and isolating myself away from any hope or help that would have been freely offered to me.
Looking back I have no idea how I maintained these ideals for so long. I don’t know how I managed to even function with that low of self-esteem. Only by God’s grace did I manage to get dragged out of myself and out of my guilt, fear, shame, and broken heart.
Reader, I have so many scars. My heart still breaks and bleeds even as I write this. This is my battle. This is what I daily struggle through and only the Lord could have given me the revelation that I cannot live like this any longer. I would like to say that I have found freedom from my shackles. I would like to say that I am completely healed but reader, I still to this very day struggle with what I have written above. I daily have all of those thoughts. I have panic attacks. I have high anxiety. I freak out at random little things. I struggle in large groups of people. It is a fight to see the grace and mercy that the Lord washes over me every day. I fight to lay down the burdens of my heart. I fight to surrender all of my pain to the Lord. I fight to even breathe. I fight to take one more step. I fight to lean on the Lord with every stride that I take. I fight to trust that God’s way truly is best. I fight to believe that His timing is unsurpassed. I fight to see his limitless mercies that are new every morning. I fight to count my blessings.
Dearest reader, it is such a struggle to write this down and even to be honest with myself. It is a struggle to admit my fight with myself. It is a struggle to even admit what I feel to myself. This honest story is not meant to bring you down. It is meant as a testimony to the Lord’s infinite kindness and unceasing love. He loves us so, reader! He loves us more than we can ever imagine! God has been opening my eyes recently to just how weak I really am. It seems that I’ve built my whole life on trying to solve my problems, fix everyone around me, and be the strong one. And reader, I’ve finally hit rock bottom. I’ve come to the end of myself. I’ve seen my friends hurting. I’ve seen them in immense physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. Pain and suffering that I can never imagine going through. And I couldn’t fix any of it. I’ve seen my family suffer, seemingly drown in their agony, and then have God reach down and haul them up. And I couldn’t fix any of that either. I’ve seen God take ashes and redeem them. I’ve seen God pick up broken hearts and gently fit them back together again. I’ve seen him save me! That was the most amazing thing of all. I’ve seen God work in my life, in my parents’ lives, in my brother’s lives, in my friend’s lives, and in people around me. So, why do I feel the need to be strong and perfect when I so obviously can NEVER be…. That is a question that I cannot answer.
I don’t have to be the strong one! Only God is. I don’t have to be the perfect one! Only God is. I don’t have to be the protector! Only God is. God is my Savior. I am not my Savior.
Recently God has just been opening my eyes to just how strong and able He is. He has the ability to heal my hurts. He has the ability to lift my burdens. He loves me unconditionally. I can do absolutely nothing to earn or lose his favor. Jesus died on the cross for me! What an amazing thing. In Christ I am beautiful and of value. My brokenness, my mistakes are beautiful because when you come to the end of all you are and when you surrender your mistakes and weakness you discover that He is great and mighty to save. He turns your mistakes into something good. He is the strong one. He has overcome all of my weakness and sin on the cross.
Looking back I can see God’s boundless grace on my life. I can trace every good thing back to His hand… I will continue to fight the fight of faith. It doesn’t matter how hard I have to fight! I know that it will all be worth it. Dearest reader, I hope that you were encouraged. Keep fighting. Keep looking to the One who can take away your fear and tears. The One who is mighty to save. The One who is good. The One who is great. The One who is strong. The One who is powerful. The One who is gracious. The One who is merciful. The One who is constant. The only One worth looking to. Our Savior!
Thu 22/3/12, 4:53 pm
My LIfe Story
At the mear age of 13 in a county well know for its production and use of Chrystal Meth i was introduced to Cocaine for the first time by my 24 year old step brother whom i looked up to dearly. I was raised in a house of drugs alcohol physical and emotional abuse. I thought this is how it is to be a “Good Ole Georgia Boy”. The man that raised me is very close to my heart. I admired him, i dressed like him, i wanted him to be my Dad. Little did i know i was chasing the wrong Father. Both of my uncles commited suicide, and ontop of that my mother left the man i call my Dad. He then turned back to Chrystal Meth, Natural Light, and Hank Williams Jr. I thought this was life. I thought this is how i was supposed to live, to drink, to use when your drunk.
I married my best friend in Nov 2009. We had our first kid in Dec. 2009. I moved from that small drug infused town to better my self but just like the song says, “you can take me out of the country but you cant take country out of me”. I was still drinking, still yelling and raising hell. My choices made in 2010 caused a divorce and the loss of my best frind. My wife. My only blonde haired blue eyed son. In 2011 i turned to drinking. I was caught in a down hill spiral. I got two DUsI in 4 Months, arrested nearly 9 times including two felony charges. I was living the life of a drug dealer. I was doing drugs, selling drugs, introducing people to drugs. I was satans advocate. I lost my Federal Job i lost my self. Society called me a Alcoholic. They tell me i suffer from Alcoholism… Im 22. No one knows the stuff that i did when i was at my worste, besides i had a reputation to keep. Little did i know i was a Noone. The world turned their back on me and i didnt care. I had my truck, My music, and My drugs.
7 Months after the divorce i stopped fealing sory for my self. I started a job with a good friend of mine and slowly began to realise im happy with out the drugs, i still drank but i was happy without sleeping around and using. I stayed busy and i built myself up. I became succesful to my self, i believed in me. Sonner than i needed, The lord brought My ex wife back to me, and we hit the ground running. She fought everyday to forgive me for what i did to her, our son and to her family. I in return blamed her for so much, i didnt see the bad i did, only the bad she did. Without having God in my life i still prayed “Lord help me forgive my wife help her forgive me.” I begged God for days until one night i oped the Book. LUKE 7:47 says “Her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much.” We all know I was the one to blame for our divorce and my life choices, but God spoke to ME the way i needed to be spoken to. I burst into tears and screamed as loud as i ever have before. Matthew i felt all the evil rushing out of my body. I cried and cried while my son looked at me with joy and happiness. (honestly i dont see how i didnt scare the mess out of him). Now i have been saved since February 7 2012. But i still fight my past. I fight my past addiction to drugs. I hurt! 6 months from drugs and i still cry out to god at night asking him why do i still feal pain for my choices. I was so hard on my self, i thought of suicide countless times i couldnt stop hurting. I hated the person i WAS i couldnt understand why God was punishing me still even though i accepted him into my hewrt. I turned to a Personal mentor of mine and asked him, “Why am i being punished why do i still hurt!” He said that with out God in my live i didnt get corrected, i wasnt around Jesus for him to correct me. He told me that now that im saved that Jesus is molding me into a fine your man. At my absolute lowest he told me “Pick your head up son!, you are more of a man now than you ever were!”
I realized that when society told me i was no good that society was wrong. The truth is i may have lost a Marriage a son and my wife, but i gained a Spiritual relationship with my ExWife, and better realationship with my son and piece of mind knowing God is here. I gained everything. There is so much the lord has in store for me. I AM A MAN OF GOD! I AM A GOD FEARING FATHER! I have more than i ever have, and its all because of a few trials in my life. Im thankful for my criminal record, im thankful for the wrong and harm in my life. Because now im here to share my expierances with the rest of the youth in this world that expierance what i did. God lives in me and with that i can be the Rock for all the kids to lean on. Mr. West Jesus has a plan for me but i need your help. Jesus told me to share my story with the youth, and i with god in me i will save a life. We have so much to offer with God in us.
I love your music, Thank you for all you do. But most of all Thank God.
Fri 23/3/12, 7:02 am
I submitted my story over a month ago. I beleve that everyone has a story.
Fri 23/3/12, 3:13 pm
[...] Nearly 40 Markets This Spring In a note ( http://www.matthewwest.com/2012/02/08/i-need-stories/) posted originally to fans, two-time GRAMMY ® nominee Matthew West is once again extending an [...]
Fri 23/3/12, 6:17 pm
My story.
I was raised in a christian home. We went to church every sunday, sunday night and wednesday night. I’m not sure why. but I always thought God would do whatever we said. Well, 4 days before my 16th birthday, my twin was in a terrible go-kart accident not a half of a mile away from our house. He was taken to the hospital, the doctor told us he had two broken ribbs and some laserations to the liver, that it was fixable. He was then taken to a much bigger hospital by helicopter.
Fri 23/3/12, 7:06 pm
I pressed a wrong button, so I’ll continue it from here.
My story.
I was raised in a christian home. We went to church every sunday, sunday night and wednesday night. I’m not sure why, but I always thought God would do whatever we said. Well, 4 days before my 16th birthday, my twin was in a terrible go-kart accident not a half of a mile away from our house. He was taken to the hospital, the doctor told us he had two broken ribbs and some laserations to the liver, that it was fixable. He was then taken to a much bigger hospital by helicopter. Miraculously, my mother was able to ride with him.
Around an 1-2 hours after my dad and younger brother got there, we were called to the ” Quiet Room” were we where informed that he had died. Immediatly it felt as though my heart was being ripped from my chest. They tol us that the laseration to his liver had been much worse than they had pressumed.
After that, I was so mad at God. I begged God to save my brother. I felt betrayed. I did stuff that didn’t make sense. I didn’t really care a whole lot. Then almost a year later, my youth group invited me to see Heavens Gated And Hells Flames live. I went with them. At the end of the show, they had an alter call, and, after the thrd time, I stood up. I went to the alter. I realized that God does not do whatever we want him to do, He does what is best for us. Now I don’t know why God took my brother. Maybe to keep him safe, I don’t know.
Last year Satan decided it would be a good time to rub my face into every bad thing I had ever done. Every second of everyday, I was haunted with my past. I was praying for God to make it stop. For almost one month I struggled. Then God opened my eyes and told me that he had ALWAYS been with me! He had never left me! I was trying to carry my past on my shoulders. I couldn’t believe that God had forgiven me for all of the things I’d done. But then I finally knew why Jesus went to die on the cross. He did for sinners like me, and everyone else!
Thankfully I know now that God loved me no matter what. And there is nothing that can ever change that. Not for me and not for you!
Sun 25/3/12, 6:08 am
i am 15 years old i had started using drugs at 11 i was deeply and terribly abused from age 5 to 12 i almost died by my abuser when i have seen my my buddy get beat with a baseball bat that had took a big effect on me i have recently got saved and god has done alot for me i thank god for leeting me brieth
Tue 27/3/12, 2:12 pm
[...] a note ( http://www.matthewwest.com/2012/02/08/i-need-stories/) posted originally to fans, two-time GRAMMY ® nominee Matthew West is once again extending an [...]
Wed 28/3/12, 5:09 am
The background makes it hard to read the posts. Any chance the background can be clearer?